Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.



A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child's mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed ? sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.

Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.

First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former ? the problem parent.

There are several features suggestive of such 'poison'. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again.

Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult's own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities.

An unreliable parent does not only disappoint the child but many times you have to change your plans because the other parent had promised to come and take the child but didn't turn up.

However, the worst scene is when one parent uses the child as a communication channel to the other parent. In such cases, obviously what the poor child is asked to convey are not nice things. In other cases, the parent spends the entire weekend criticizing the custodial parent, which is quite unpalatable to the child.

Then, is it surprising that the child returns from such a visit in a foul mood? All children want to be loved and accepted. This kind of treatment undermines their sense of worth and belonging. What is worse is that the parent does not even realize how his/her behavior is harming the child. To add fuel to fire, they claim they care so much for the child when none of their acts support their assertion.

These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don't mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value.

My advice is: don't let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.

First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. This is one of the rare situations when access to the other parent probably should be denied. However, getting the courts to agree will probably be difficult.

If that option is not likely, then get a clear agreement regarding visits, including the date, time and duration etc. But, the problem is of the other parent not showing up despite the promises.

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

It's important to record all these events; they will come in handy in court. Also, think of consulting a counselor to help you deal with the harmful effects of this on your child. And, they will testify these effects on the child in court.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don't have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.