For a number of reasons, couples tend to underestimate the severity of their problems. An intimate relationship is usually very important to a person and the thought that something might be seriously wrong with it can be quite threatening. The couple may mistake the problems for a nor-mal stage in the relationship.



Some people feel that the need to seek help is a personal failure and this view is unfortunately reinforced by the some-times negative social attitudes that linger towards people seeking this type of help. Finally, some people have difficulty or feel embarrassed about asking for help, question whether they deserve it, or whether their problems are "really serious enough." If you think you might need help, it is worth investigating.

We are involved in a relationship that is just becoming serious. Is there anything we can do to prevent problems?

Some members of the clergy and couple therapists offer "pre-marital counselling" for couples who are beginning their relationship and want to take a preventive approach to problems. The better programs of this nature can help a couple anticipate and deal with some of the issues they will face before they become problems.

Is this just a phase we're going through or do we really need help?

At one time or another all couples go through difficult changes and stages and experience stress. How much stress each person can, and is willing to, tolerate at any particular time varies. If you feel your stress level is intolerable or that you have reached an impasse, you should seek help.

Some people ignore problems and hope they will go away. Other people find they are unable to solve their difficulties despite repeated attempts to do so. If problems in your relationship persist, or if you can't solve them in a way that is acceptable to both of you, do not wait to go for help. Problems are easier to resolve before they become larger and when there are still positive feelings in the relationship.

We're intelligent people. Why can't we sort out our own problems?

Feelings are in a different realm from logic and cannot always be resolved on an intellectual level. Sometimes an objective third party is needed to mediate conflict, or to help clarify what the issue means to each of the partners.

We're fighting a lot and can't agree on anything.

People who fight often feel as though they are going around in circles. Un-resolved issues that continue to bother a person can begin to colour everything, and to obscure the original causes of feelings of anger or outrage. There may be aspects of the original problem that were fully or partly unconscious to begin with. These issues can become further obscured as both partners begin to resent each other's anger, coldness, dissatisfaction, distance, etc.

The aim of couple therapy is to clarify the important issues in your relationship. Although you and your partner may not agree on all of them, therapy may enable you to identify the most significant problem areas, consider possible solutions and start implementing those that fit your situation.

We've been this way for years. What good will couple therapy do?

People develop patterns for handling difficulties. Some of these patterns fail to solve the problems; they increase tension instead. If both of you recognize a need for change and are prepared to do something about it, couple therapy can provide the extra support you may need during this difficult process. The therapist may also be able to offer a perspective that is not obvious to you and your partner.