I want to be in love. Period. I want a man to love me deeply, intensely. I want this man to be as much in love with me as I am with him. Heck maybe even a little bit more in love with me than I am with him. Is that lopsided and so wrong? I know that sounds cliché being a woman and all, but today? Right now? Having that special person in love with me? Is where I wanna be. I mean really in love with me. Being in love with me to the point of my guy not even wanting to make love to another woman, only wanting to share himself with solely me. I want to have that great relationship before I die. Just one GREAT one…..just one'll do.



Most people will tell you that if you find a love like that, it only exists having met your mate right outta high school or if the two of you grew up together, otherwise, it just ain't happening. Is it safe to assume if I meet a man, say today or tomorrow, the prospect of him loving the carbon monoxide outta me is a pipe dream? An improbable desire?

As I think back retrospectively, I don't think I've experienced that type of love in a long, long, long time. And I'm starting to wonder….does it still exist? Has society and human values changed so much that the quest for finding a "meaningful" love coupled with an over abundance of fidelity hyped? Puffed-up? Fictional? Or imaginary even? If so, what in the world? Who knew? Surely not me.

Dating is a new thingy to me. I’m living on my own for the first time in my entire life! All alone! And it's a real big deal to me for sure. From reviewing my coupling experiences throughout the years, I've learned a few things about myself. One thing in particular is that I don't really know how to date. Having not the need to do this "dating" thing in the past because whenever I met someone and the attraction being mutual, we usually wound up being exclusive hence, a relationship began. But I fall short every now and again trying to learn the ropes of this dating commotion, which I hate by the way. Nonetheless, with the help of friends and a few family members I'm beginning to get the hang of it. (It's a rat-race out there---yikes!!) I must admit, sometimes I'm not the brightest light on the tree! Sue me.

I used to tell those who asked me how could I just date one person at a time? My response was I dated as though I was married to my suitor, that's the only way I knew how to interface with a man that I was attracted to. Once we were together for a couple of months, I immediately started to treat this individual as though he were my husband. I started cooking for him and a host of other committed rituals most marrieds and/or committed women perform. Totally, forgetting that I was supposed to date various men in the beginning until I found one special person that I'd be willing to date exclusively.

I'm told you're supposed to spread your wonderful self thin and date a few guys at once. (Now, l had a problem with the "dating-more-than-one" aspect of this dating crap and quite frankly, I still have a problem with it). I have always been faithful whenever I was in a committed relationship, although most men that I meet have a hard time believing that. (Funny how our past experiences negatively affect our future responses to new scenarios, isn't it?). Sure it's so easy to cheat, but since I live my life challenging myself, and knowing even though my Mr. won't know if I did cheat, the fact that I have to live and sleep with myself, knowing what I did would drive me insane! I am hopeful I will meet a man who will appreciate this invaluable quality within me. For now, I stick to taking the easy way out by simply not cheating at all! I sure sleep a lot better, trust!!

Why is it that people are so guarded lately and afraid to believe in their relationship totally? What's up with that?? How can one even expect to have a great relationship if you remain afraid to relinquish your barriers and take a risk of emotional dependence upon the one you claim to love? What ever happened to "No pain, no gain?" How bout "To get something you must give up something?" Here's my all time favorite, "Anything worthwhile does not come easy".

Usually, when I am involved, I give so much of myself that when all is said and done, I'm wiped! I've recently realized afterward there is little to nothing left ……..for me. Was I trying to prove that I was worthy of being loved? After a while when I see my efforts aren't being reciprocated, (and it takes me a loooooong while to get to this point because I usually hang in there for a real true-grit minute, giving my other the benefit of the doubt), then I move on. And I mean I really move on, as in my former guy might believe me to be dead because he hears not one peep from me, ever.

While in my union, I focus so assiduously on trying to be the best companion that I can be, trying therapy or whatever it takes to make it work better. (And I do make mistakes along the way, believe me), so there is no need for me to ifa, woulda, shoulda where most issues are concerned, when and if I decide I've had enough and step-off, or when both of us decide to call it quits

As of late, I've begin to ask myself, "Am I unfaithful? To myself? Shouldn't I be loyal to me? Doesn't my opinion of myself count? Shouldn't I muster the courage to "step off" and walk away early on in a relationship when my needs are unmet instead of hanging on hoping things'll get better or waiting for some sorta change in him, me, or our situation? People do this all the time. Especially women! Humph! Ladies ya better act like ya know!! Now close ya mouth gurls cause ya know I'm on point with this one. Go on close it----I'll wait………

If a man comes home and finds Bertha in bed with Ernest you can bet your last dollar she is HIS-TORY….and as immediate as can be. Take a woman on the other hand. What do you think her reaction's gonna be if she comes home and finds Floyd wrestling the sheets with Mildred? First and foremost, she's gonna cry, then try to explain away what she saw and lastly she's more than likely gonna remain in the situation hoping he'll be remorseful and never do it again. In essence, she's hoping he'll change. Shoot, I want my guy to change because he feels it's the best for him and for us. I want him to want to change. Otherwise, it's a wrap for us! Look: All problems are transitional. Most are here today, and resolved or figured out by tomorrow. Hence, we must try ladies not to loose ourselves in loving him.

I don’t know about you, but for me? Being unfaithful? Will never be the move for me. It just won't be..…...It just won't. It's easier for me to move on than it is for me to cheat. I might come across to some as though I will cheat but when all is said and done, I just can't! It' doesn't feel right to me. Believe it or not, I actually respect that quality about myself.

I've always said my life was a continual learning process. I grow, change and experience a rebirth every chance I get. If you are one of those people who are unfaithful to yourself dontcha think it's time you get your due? Try treating yourself the way you treat that man or woman that you care so deeply about. Don’t hang on hoping for better. Understand this now: Some people will never change. The sooner we learn we can only change ourselves, the easier our lives will be, the easier our relationships will be. It's a fact that changing ourselves is one of the most difficult tasks anyone will ever endeavor. Somewhere I read. "To thine own self be true." If you beg to differ then maybe you should "check" yourself because if you are not loyal to yourself, then you're nothing less than a wooden nickel, an imitation of life, counterfeit or just a plain ol' fake. Go ahead check yourself. I'll wait…………

(c) 2007 by C.V. Harris. All Rights Reserved.