Are you struggling to get over the pain of marital loneliness?



One of the most often asked questions of marriage counselors is how can I get over my failure to trust my spouse?

Here's the key.

You can't change the past. There's no way to go back in time to change history or create a new story. What's done is done. So, the first step is to decide what you REALLY want to accomplish. What is it that you really desire to get done?

Right around now, many feel and believe that there is no hope for them. The mountain seems too high to climb.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your situation is unpromising. What I'm saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past. But, you canNOT change events that have already occurred.

The good news though is that you don't have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is how you view your past.

Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, ?Why is this happening to me?? Then, years later, you looked back and answered that question with "what I've learned from this experience has made me a better person".

In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it seemed that it was far better than you ever thought it could be.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a learning curve that many times leads to an unexpected but excellent outcome!

Actually, the meaning of bad times become clear as time continues. In other words, it's your future that determines your past; not the other way around. Moreover, since YOU are in charge of your future, YOU determine the meaning of your past.

It's interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.

It's like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. It's predetermined. Although you get to play that hand, You have free choice as to how you will play it, if at all.

Ultimately, it's the COMBINATION of the hand you're dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome. In addition, it's the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.

I don't know if you're familiar with the Bible, but it's interesting to note that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, ?Let US make man in our image.? Look at that verse again: ?Let US make man in our image.? Who is ?us?? To whom was God talking?

The answer is: God was talking to His partner in creation; Jesus. Just as He was talking to Jesus then He is also talking to US. He's talking to me. He's talking to YOU. He's saying that YOU are partners with Him in the creation of your life.

God deals you a hand. You can't change this. However, you do get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of your life. Your responses, your actions in the future, and your decisions about that event determine the meaning of the events in your past.

The choices you make and the responses to your circumstances will give you a result, a conclusion, a resolution to the past that will ensure you will see your past in a different light. And, when you see differently, you feel differently about the events that have occurred in your life and when you feel differently, you will receive greater benefit from your past than you may have envisioned.

The people I know who have the best marriages are people who have gone through hell in their relationship. They then chose to ?get over? their past by using it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage. Many people I know however began this process WITHOUT their spouse.

If you make the right decisions and follow them with the right moves, you'll come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THAT'S how you'll ?get over? the past.

It's strange how life works sometimes, but if you play your hand right, your hurts can and will become part of your healing. And, in fact, when it comes to relationships, it's usually bad times that awaken people to search for new ways to resolve issues; to grow emotionally and spiritually and to reconnect to their spouses in ways they never thought possible.

Yes, it's obvious you're hurting. Nevertheless, if you'll pursue available resources You'll learn how to rebuild your marriage, new ways to deal with your pain and heal your hurt. Your past won't go away but you'll give it new meaning. You'll then be "over it" and have a GOOD answer to the question: Why did this happen to me?