The important thing to remember when dealing with children who have witnessed or been a part of family violence is that, the age of the child and the severity and frequency of the witnessed abuse all play a role is how they were affected by the family violence. Studies have shown that the younger the child, the better the success rate of healing the trauma. That is not to say that the older child will not be healed, just that the healing takes longer.



Children have to relearn feeling safe, to trust and to live without feeling that they always have to be on guard. This takes time and energy on the part of the parent who has left an abusive situation. Counselling is also something that should be considered for the child since the one of one time of the session provides an opportunity for the child to open up and explore her/his feelings without worrying about hurting the parents. This is especially true when the child talks about his angry feelings at the helplessness of the family violence situation. The child might not be eager to express those feelings to a parent who is already seen as hurting by the child. Most children are in the protect mode and will not say or do anything to make that parent feel pain. Mothers for the most part withdraw somewhat from interactions with their children due to the depression they are experiencing.

Tiptoeing around issues is one thing that children of family violence get really good at. They do not want to rock the boat when the house is peaceful and they are aware that their Mom is feeling some negative emotions and is likely to be more prone to irritability, anger and depression. Since they see the Mom as dealing with her own stuff, children tend to avoid discussions about what they may be troubled about and instead become more independent as they manage their own lives. Some children are lucky and have a strong person in their life outside of the family home that they can turn to for support and other children find a support person in the community to talk to.

The child who withdraws into his or her self is the one to most worry about because the reality is that child is experiencing fears, anxieties, depression,anger, likely is becoming more aggressive and may be having thoughts of suicide.Other behaviors like insomnia and excessive clinging ness are also likely to be present.Many of the children who have witnessed family violence tend to have more physical complaints such as stomach aches and headaches than those children from calm and safe homes. They tend to have more erratic schedules and may get less sleep which breaks down the bodies immune system.These children also have problems with social situations and tend not to act appropriately when dealing with friends or the community. Having a secret that your family is one who lives with domestic or family violence is huge and not something a child feels comfortable sharing with friends. To hide the secret, children play pretend and say everything is wonderful. They will get angry when someone suggests otherwise and therefore encounter problems dealing with conflict. Since aggression is something these children see all the time, it is not abnormal for them to use aggression when trying to resolve problems.

To help these children heal a number of things must happen. A person who is a support person or counsellor has to make the child feel safe enough to explore their feelings. Often this is accomplished through a variety of play therapy techniques. Playing a game with a child provides a wonderful opportunity for the child to relax and concentrate on something other than the feelings being experienced. It provides an safe opportunity to have conversations which start off generic but as the trust builds will become more complex and revealing. Another good way to get a child to open up is to go for walks because this lessens distractions and gives both parties one on one time. Puppet shows with both the child and the supportive adult having a puppet allows for a dialogue to open up and the adult can allow the child to take the lead and discuss whatever they want to. Books are also wonderful tools because after reading a story together, the child will feel comfortable to share his/her own feelings. Even building Lego together provides an opportunity to talk, to complete a task without getting frustrated or angry and builds on feelings of trust since the adult is presenting as caring, listening and supportive. Any type of art project is also a wonderful tool because this gives the child carte blanche to paint, draw or sculpt anything they want to and their finished project always tells a story that the adult can discuss with the child.

It is about making the child feel safe, cared about and respected so that they can share their feelings. It is about making time for the child who has witnessed violence in their home.It is about giving hugs and attention and love so that the child feels protected and loved. It is about understanding the fears and anxieties that the child is feeling and dealing with those feelings in a realistic and calming fashion. It is about not devaluing those feelings and allowing open communication so that they feel free to explore them. It is about not keeping the secret about the violence that is so important so the child no longer feels the guilt about lying about the home situation. It is about honesty about what the mom and the child is feeling at all times. It is about making a place for the abuser in the child's life when it is appropriate so the child feels that parents love. It is about explaining the difference between an abusers behaviors and the abuser as a person which is going to help the child sort it all out. It is the acknowledgement that a problem is there and has to be dealt with.It is about making a place in the family's lives for professionals to give them guidance to aid the healing process.It is about being a good role model for these children so they can learn about appropriate behaviors. It is also about making the child understand the difference between normal and not normal behaviors so that they can modify those behaviors which will be detrimental to them in the future. It is about making them strong and healthy physically and emotionally so that they wont repeat the same patterns in adulthood.