Do you feel like housemates rather than lovers? Are you disconnected and feeling unloved?



Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?

You got together whenever you could. You talked long into the night and were forever on the phone whenever you were not together. You would talk about yourselves and your past relationships, your hopes and your dreams, your disappointments and your failures " everything! That was because you believed that your partner wanted to know everything about you. You felt safe that no matter what you said, your partner would love you and not judge you.

Shallower communication - Then things began to change. Love died. You felt disengaged and unloved. Chances are it started like this: She says something she wants to discuss and he replies with a negative comment, which is not what he usually does. If it happens a second time that she gets a negative response from him, she decides to not bring up that point of discussion again. Now she chooses her words more carefully in order to avoid getting a negative response.

He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.

The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.

Soon he approaches her for sex, seeking reassurance that this relationship is still OK. He wants to feel close again in the way he knows how. But she is feeling the distance too, and so is not responsive to his approach. She wants to talk about the hurts, the way she feels when he snaps at her, before she feels ready for sex. So she says, "No, not tonight". Several more answers of, "No, not tonight", and he stops asking because he doesn't like to be rejected. She notices that he stops asking and starts to feel more hurt, even more rejected than she did before.

Housemates - As housemates there is no emotional intimacy in the relationship any more. Neither he nor she is talking about feelings, only about safe topics. She feels that she is walking around him on eggshells. He rehearses things in his head that he would like to say to her, but then never says in case she goes hysterical. There is no sex and a decreasing level of trust. Resentments, suspicion, and confusion are rising, as the petty arguments and the bickering increases. The Housemate syndrome has arrived.