Looking for Simple Answers to Relationship Problems?

By Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT

Anyone who has been in a relationship with another person knows that they grow complex very quickly. Relationships in this area of our lives are not mechanical. Since they are not mechanical, simplistic explanations do not fully express or explain what occurs. When things are going well in that relationship, few people consider trying to understand or improve what they are doing. When things go bad, people began looking for answers. Since they are hurting, they often want simple answers. Operating a garage door opener requires the operator mash the button. Once the button is mashed, the electronic device opens the door. Such an interaction is purely mechanical, and can be explained in like manner.

Relationships between people involve reciprocal interactions. When reciprocity is brought into relationships, mechanical explanations do not convey the interactions that take place. Although there may be some interactions that seem to occur in a mechanical manner, there are variations added that make the interaction increasingly complex. Let us return to the garage door opener to illustrate. When the button on the opener is mashed, the door opens. Only this time, the opener decides it did not like the amount of force used in mashing the button, so it changes the sensitivity level of the button. The next time the operator mashes the button, they may have to push with just the right amount of pressure to make it open. The door opens, as it has before, but the reciprocity involved in the first interaction has altered the relationship between the two of them. On the surface, the door still opens in a mechanical manner, but the way to open the door has changed.

Relationships between two individuals begin with two people meeting. On meeting, there is often an acknowledgement of the other person’s presence. The acknowledgement is followed by an exchange of greetings and often some type of small talk. The small talk consists of addressing a neutral topic. This is often sports, the weather, current events or their immediate surroundings. Besides verbal communication, there are also non-verbal messages also occurring in the interaction. Many of the skills required in starting relationships are learned in childhood to early adolescence. Although many people learned the basic skills of how to meet people and start conversations. Issues such as experience, confidence and self-image interfere with exercising those skills by either adding to or distracting from the basic skills.

Some people learn how to initiate relationships, but have not learned or mastered the skills necessary to engage the other person or take the relationship beyond the introductory or acquaintance level. Specific skills are needed at the various levels of relationships. Each level of relationship requires specific skills associated with it. The question arises as to “What are the required skills of relationships?".

The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm understood this dilemma. He identified some of the qualities necessary for the relationship to develop. “There are no easy instructions on relationships. To engage in relationship requires humility, courage, faith and discipline". It is often easy to meet people. Work is required in improving the quality of the relationship beyond the acquaintance level. Although movies make it look as though relationships magically go from acquaintances to a healthy relationship with time and a little effort. The truth is that relationships require time and effort on the part of both persons. The best illustration of how relationships work is dancing. In dancing, the two partners work as a team. As part of that teamwork, there are many interactions going back and forth between them involving directions, attitude, preferences, style of dance, etc. The rookie dancer believes all they need to know is the correct dance steps and they can master any dance. When the inexperienced dancer messes up they look for simple answers like what step they missed. In some cases, it may be a missed step. In many cases, it is more complicated than a missed step, or what led to the missed step. The inexperienced dancer is not ready for other explanations, nor do they have the vocabulary to grasp the explanation. At that point all they understand is the missed step. As a dancer gains experience and skill in dancing, they can more readily understand the subtleties and interactions behind mess ups and what it takes to make a great dance. When your relationship needs improving, recognize it requires work, and seek help from those who have experience in the interactions and subtleties involved.