For the male readers who may be considering either getting into a full on relationship, who have found themselves inadvertently in one or who are up to their necks in the sticky brown stuff and looking for a way out, here are some tips.



Don't ever, ever, buy flowers from a garage forecourt. I don't care what the indiscretion, women know the difference between florist flowers and garage flowers and you will end up further in the mire if you go down this route. This especially applies if your beloved has just spent forty eight hours ruining her body, huffing, puffing, sweating, pushing and straining every muscle to expel your darling offspring from her body and into your arms. Take garage flowers to her and you will be requiring surgery of your own to extract them from an orifice.

When your partner has been though the tortuous agony of labour to deliver your rugrat, nothing short of a luxury gift of the designer type will make up for it along with copious remarks about how she looks so serene and wonderful (even though you think she resembles something from The Exorcism of Emily Rose). Follow this up for a willingness to fork out for plastic surgery to return her body to normal, but only if she insists. Never, ever suggest it if you wish to keep the ability to reproduce again.

Indiscretions of the type that involve other females cannot be sorted through the use of luxury gifts. Granted, your life will be saved by presenting one and the gift will be accepted. However, short of your genitalia on a plate the only thing you can do after that is beat a hasty retreat and announce to the world it was all your fault.

Being late home from work is a situation that you can buy your way out of with a luxury gift. You may well need to get that project completed or that report on your boss's desk by the next day but do you think that is of any concern to us women? Can you not see what we have been through, sitting here suffering our way through one TV soap after another, consuming more chocolate than we really should of, in our anxious wait for you to return home? A luxury gift will make it worth the wait, it will make us feel like we have got fat through stress for a good cause and it will probably mean that you get some tonight.

For those long in the tooth at keeping relationships sweet, they should be well aware that to keep a luxury gift stashed for those unexpected moments will be priceless. There will come a day when there is a birthday you have forgotten or the anniversary of the first time you kissed or the first time you made love. These distant memories may be insignificant to you but could mean the difference between a pricey divorce or getting some tonight.

For the established luxury gift giver, never use the element of surprise. This will lead to the assumption that you have done something wrong and will lead to a week of alternate probing and sulking by your partner in the hope that she will rid herself of this nagging feeling that you have committed some cardinal sin. Just keep a gift aside ready to whip out at opportune moments. You will soon learn to see those moments approaching.

Never buy a luxury gift in the hope of getting some tonight. It is never guaranteed and your partner does not want to feel like a prostitute. If this happens, you will end up having to buy a gift to make up for the gift given in the wrong context and this gets costly.

So, as a rule of thumb, gifts should be readily available. Fitting the occasion is not something we really expect of you mere men, just ensure it is expensive. Never produce fakes, never produce reproductions, never produce anything with a price tag and never, ever mention the price. This will make your partner feel like you begrudge the expense and will undo all your hard work, leading to the necessity for more gift giving.

Gifts can be anything from chocolate and flowers through designer jewellery to private jets but whatever it is, make sure it is a luxury gift and hopefully you should be ok.