Did you watch your parents learning what you did and what you did not like, formulating a plan for how you would do it when you became a parent? Me too. We knew that our parents were not perfect and we knew we could surely improve on how they did things. We had our fantasies about what a perfect marriage would be like too. For years, we pursued our dreams and they did work for a while. And then divorce smacked us upside our heads.



Things didn't turn out quite the way we had envisioned. The little details that we didn't even know existed turned out to be so important in our perfect scheme of things. He could be totally handsome, once one of our main must-haves. She could be a total fox, another imperative. But when we married him or her, there were just so many things we did not take into consideration: their annoying little habits, their mystifying flaws. Our perfect schemes glossed over these little details.

And after the divorce hits us, we have to ask ourselves: Was I aware of this in her or him before we married?" Let's look at a tough example. You probably were a wonderful wife and excelled in that part but maybe your mate simply couldn't see it and thus, couldn't be complimentary about it. And you're thinking, how was I responsible for our divorce? My question to you would be, "Whatever flaws your ex had, was there any sign of them before you got married? Or before you had children? Was there anything you consciously or unconsciously ignored or blinded yourself to?" Your responsibility may be nothing more than the fact that you knew he was selfish but you married him anyway. Sometimes, very simple decisions or the failure to make a decision can cause very harsh consequences. Unfortunately, this is the way the world works. It can happen again, so aren't you better off understanding that your subtle decision to ignore his faults had a profound impact on your life? If you understand that, if you take responsibility for that piece of it, then you won't make that mistake again.

This is a lesson that applies to everything that makes you unhappy in your life, whether it's your boss, your lover or your children. Don't do what everyone else does which is to blame the other person or the situation. Instead, the first question should be "What's my role in this? How am I causing this or contributing to this. Just remember, it's not about fault; it's really more about consequences.

When you get this, it's a wonderful tool for your life because it allows you to solve your problems. This isn't about fault; it's really more about self-discovery. The more you know about yourself and the reasons for your actions and your motivation, the more satisfying and fulfilling your life becomes because you're no longer operating on automatic pilot.

Take responsibility in determining what your role was. Because, if you are responsible about how you contributed, it will touch other spaces in your life, and even better, you can share with your kids how easily true responsibility benefits them. And don't they deserve your very best? Who knows? You might be helping them to create the perfect relationship leading to the perfect marriage and becoming the perfect parent you thought you would be.