Why is it that every time I go to the grocery store I get in line behind this rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons? And why is it that half of the things she's buying require a price check? This happens to me all the time and I swear it's always the same woman. I just thank God that the grocery store had the foresight to put all the tabloids there for me to read while I'm waiting. I guess I should thank that woman, too. If it wasn't for her I'd have no idea what was happening in the world.



Take the other day, for example. There I was, standing in line like always, waiting for the bag boy to get a price on the woman's six pack of SlimFast. I scanned the tabloid headlines before me, looking for something interesting to read. The one about Elvis showing up at a Detroit McDonald's demanding to know why in hell they did away with the Arch Deluxe did not peak my interest in the least. The story about Pamela Anderson Lee's left breast melting in the hot sun during the shooting of a Baywatch episode just made me yawn. And the story about Ellen DeGeneres dating RuPaul just made me nauseous. Why can't these people just make up their minds?

Then, the headline across the front of the National Excretioner caught my eye: FEATHERS FLY AS COSTUMED CELEBS GO TO WAR! THE DIRTY DETAILS INSIDE!

As luck would have it, the rather large woman finished checking out and I had to move along before getting to read the story for free. Generally, I have a rule about wasting my hard-earned dollar on trash, but this was trash I had to have. I had to read the dirty details!

What was the Excretioner headline talking about? Why, the feud between Barney the Dinosaur (hereafter referred to as "plaintiff") and The Famous San Diego Chicken (hereafter referred to as "defendant") of course. These two high energy, high profile celebs are going at each other like constipated pitbulls on crack, slinging mud and styrofoam, calling names, making threats. This is the kind of story tabloid editors live for. This is a movie of the week in the making. This is a Court TV special with a gallery filled with Muppets!

According to the Excretioner, lawyers for Barney (a dinosaur so popular he needs only one name) have filed a copyright and trademark infringement suit against The Famous Chicken for "ridiculing and assaulting a Barney-like character during performances at sporting events across the country."

"In his act, The Chicken punches, flips, stands on and otherwise assaults a putative Barney," an attorney representing Barney reportedly said. "That's just not nice." The suit further claims that The Chicken's antics have caused irreparable damage to Barney's wholesome image, effectively making him the Marv Albert of the Jurassic set.

"Barney worries that his younger fans will be unable to distinguish between the fake Barney that The Chicken assaults during his act and the real thing," the attorney went on to say. "This could be emotionally devastating to them."

The real thing? Emotionally devastating? I just hope the little rugrats never find out Barney is really just some sweaty guy in a big, purple suit. It could mean years of therapy!

Ken Fitzgerald, legal counsel for The Famous Chicken, said his client's act is just a parody and the Great Purple One doesn't have a prehistoric leg to stand on. "This is clearly a case of costume envy. I've got two words for Barney: fossil fuel."

When asked to comment, the eternally jovial Barney just giggled and waved an underdeveloped arm through the air. "This is just a little misunderstanding between friends. I love The Chicken. In fact, if he were here right now, I'd give him a great, big hug and say, I love you!"

In a related case, Don Knotts, the actor who played Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show, is contemplating legal action of his own. "I am the original Barney," Knotts has told reporters. "If one more kid asks me to sing that stupid ?I Love You? song I'm gonna scream!"

I'll keep you posted as things develop in the case. In the meantime, if you happen to be at the grocery store and you see a rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons, you tell her Tim Knox says hi.