We have all heard bigger is better. At least that's what the snake oil marketers tell us. These charlatans tell me that whatever my desire in life it can be fulfilled by having a bigger one. Or ones. I've come to the conclusion that part of it is cultural as in the "American Way." We do everything in a bigger way. That's why nobody wants a smaller one. No matter what it is.



A good part of this new bigger better marketing methodology makes no sense to me. I watch the ad on TV and I can't figure out what the heck they're selling.

Here's a middle aged couple sitting next to each other on the couch. She is running her index finger in circles on his cheek and he's got a goofy grin. I don't know whether he has eczema, ringworm, lice or she is giving him a Feng Shui massage.

I'm wrong on all counts. She is trying to get him into the sack. Could have fooled me. These are old folks, what are they going to do in bed? They're middle aged for goodness sakes. They should know better. Absolutely no shame these days. Besides, why should I care? What's in all this for me? Why would I be interested in attracting old, ugly women? What if they won't go home?

What will my wife say? 'Hey, you, what's this old ugly woman doing here?'

So the implication is if sweetie pie in the ad gives her man a pill of 'man pumper'; then he will stop his daydreaming about other old ugly women and turn his rusty old passion toward her.

Now, that's all well and good on the marketer's whiteboard. But in real life the issue for this couple isn't so much can he do it but does he want to do it. And, perhaps just as importantly, does he want to do it with her.

This difference is fundamental, especially for the party that doesn't want to do it. In this instance, a simple survey would reveal most men his age would prefer a pill that would calm her down and get her mind on something else. Like football or golf. And leave him alone.

So that brings us full circle to the big male organ and why all these folks I don't really know are so keenly interested that I grow mine. I guess that's what one does. Grows it that is. It doesn't go from one size to the next instantly, no? Perhaps it grows through stages? Pee wee, pint size, medium and jumbo?

My guess is there are a whole lot of companies in the business of trying to make this happen, considering the tons of e-mail I get referring to the subject. For some reason they seem to think I should be worried.

What me worry?

I probably should worry. My wife says I don't worry enough. Because right behind all this tree trunk business are the hot women that now want to meet me. Cause and effect. Mind you, these are women I've never even met and the only thing that they know about me is my username Senor Tree Trunk. Everybody have a good time!

Unfortunately by this time through a little known Google algorithm I'm sure they've got my address and will be knocking on my door any minute now. I can visualize the look on my wife's face when a pair of nymphets asks for Senor Tree Trunk.

"Come right on in," she'll say motioning them in, "he's in the other room with a bunch of old, ugly ladies."

Despite all these advantages I'm just a little hesitant to leap just yet.

Take breast enlargements for men. Now, several years back who would have heard of such a thing? Then my guess is a couple of gone cats in San Francisco did it and the marketers started having a field day. Their motto is find a niche and fill it. Literally.

Now some of these same companies are claiming women are starting to get turned on by big breasted men. Go figure. Most of these companies are still in San Francisco so the source of that info is a bit suspect but according to them it's spreading and soon could be opening at a franchised store near you! Maybe near a school or even your church or synagogue! Look for the 'Manly Breast' chain. Our motto is 'Manly breasts for manly men.'

I personally would have never, ever, under any circumstances have considered a penis or breast enlargement had it not been for all my enlargement industry friends that stay in close touch via email.

The comfort and care they show me constantly is touching. And with timely advice such as 'if you are going to augment one breast, you may as well do the other.'

And helpful money saving tips, such as 'be sure to ask your surgeon for a volume discount on two.'

However after much internal debate and analysis,I am foregoing any and all enlargements at this time. I can almost hear the women sigh.

Still, there is hope. My ego is not totally trashed. If I personally align my chakras and meditate on nothingness, good things will start to come to me. I can feel it.

I'm starting to feel it already. Good news. Forget everything I just said. I just got an email from a woman named Raven that says she knows some hot Swedish babes that want to meet me...all they need is some travel money.

That works out swell because a lost uncle of mine just contacted me saying he left me inheritance money in a bank account in Rwanda. Funny how these things seem to work out...