An experienced writer once commented "you can



tell what is truly important to a man by what he

spends his time and money on". His observation

was as true when he wrote it as it is today. In

the aftermath of an affair, the marital

relationship often requires rebuilding in many

areas. One of the areas requiring rebuilding is

that of trust regarding time and finances.

During the course of an affair, time and money

are spent on the new and exciting relationship.

The affair, like any relationship is never static.

It often requires increasing commitments in time

or money or both. A lack in one attribute often

means having to make up for it with more of the

other. The hidden price tag of affairs is often

not seen until the parties are deep in the

situation. Besides the initial expenditures,

there are secondary costs as well. These include

phone charges, gifts to pacify the resolute

spouse, medical expenses, or just guilt money.

The extra time expenses include the time thinking

about the other party, time focused on trying to

keep matters secret, time spent worrying about

who might see you and what they may say. All of

these are part of the price tag of an affair.

These items also need attention during the '

rebuilding of a relationship'.

The damage done to trust in financial matters

show up in many ways. The resolute spouse may

question expenses and tardiness in arriving at

appointments even after an affair has ended. This

is often aggravating for the spouse involved in

the affair. They often believe that since the

affair is over, there is no need to question

their actions. They do not understand that there

are many emotions attached to every reminder of

the affair, including finances and time use.

The resolute spouse often scrutinizes phone

bills, checks, credit card statements, toll road

receipts and any other documentation associated

with how time and money have been spent. The

scrutinizing is intensified when the offending

spouse avoids or minimizes discussions of the

affair. Tensions in this area often reveal that

the couple did not communicate or did not take

responsibility in such matters. Affairs often

reveal areas where responsibilities have been

ignored or avoided. Finances are an area that

many people avoid or minimize responsibilities.

The issues of time and money often have many

emotions associated with them. Discussing these

issues and bringing about some type of

accountability trigger emotional outbursts. It is

important to keep in mind that such outbursts are

reactions to the accountability, which, if the

disloyal spouse has a pattern of avoiding

responsibility, to suddenly now have to face it

is a drastic change. Their emotional reaction is

more about resisting the accountability and the

inadequacies they feel inside rather than a

personal rejection of the loyal spouse. Taking

the emotional reactions personally is a sure way

to start a conflict that does nothing but

distract from the root issues that need the

attention. Recall that the affair was their

solution to a problem. The avoidance of facing

their inadequacies is closer to the root of the

issues.

In some relationships, understanding the

relationship between finances and affairs can at

times become a matter of circular logic of which

came first the chicken or the egg. Which came

first, the financial problems or the affair? In

situations where the financial problem came first,

the affair served as a distraction to avoid

dealing with the area they seek to avoid taking

on the necessary responsibility.

Time is another area that often has strong

emotions associated with it. Time often carries

with it connotations of freedom. Discussing how

the disloyal spouse spends their time often

triggers comments associated with infringing on

their freedoms. Since how a person spends their

time reveals much about actual priorities, taking

a close look at this area often reveals other

issues or patterns that they are struggling with.

Besides revealing priorities, accountability also

reveals what has been avoided or neglected.

Making relationships work requires time. Using

such terms as quality time or leveraging time are

still no substitute for actual time spent with

the other person. Making a relationship work

requires a minimum of 10-15 hours a week with

each other. Trying to make it work with less time

requires tremendous effort on the part of both

partners.

Honesty is a necessary part of the emotional

healing. Honesty is also an important part in

healing the areas of finances and time. Honesty

also needs to be approached with caution, since

when mishandled, it can cause great harm. Honesty

can turn into a weapon when misused, leaving its

victim demoralized, vulnerable and devastated.

When this happens, couples often describe feeling

'gutted like a fish' to describe the experience.

Since honesty without love is cruelty, it use

needs to always be associated with love. This is

where it helps to recall that the main goal is

that of reconciliation, restoration and healing.

If what is about to be said does not bring

healing, or restoration, then it is likely in the

best interest of both parties to not say it no

matter how 'honest' it may be.

Increasing responsibility is one of the main

focuses of repairing the relationships. Couples

in healthy relationships are able to respond to

the needs of themselves and their partner. By

contrast, in unhealthy relationships, needs are

often ignored, attacked or minimized. Increasing

responsibility includes making changes in how

emotional, financial and time issues are

addressed.