1. "Eat Whatever You Want And Still Lose Weight" Fat Loss Pills and Carb Blockers



What a wonderful message to send to the millions of people out there trying to lose weight. You don't need to watch what you eat or exercise...just take this little pill and you can eat frosted Twinkies stuffed with hot dogs and not gain a pound.

Never mind what all this terrible stuff is doing to your insides, there's also the vicious cycle of loss and regain that diet pill manufacturers build their entire businesses on: you eat like crap so you get fat then you take a pill so you can keep eating like crap while losing weight. When you don't take the pill and continue to eat like crap, you get fat and depressed and need to take the pills again. What better way to sell something than to create a physical and emotional dependence on it!

Now I'm not saying the general population shouldn't know better than to fall for this but there is a reason that toothpicks and shampoo come with instructions on the back and why hair dryers come with warning not to operate while standing in a pool of water.

Here's a thought, and pardon me if I'm out of line, if you can't eat it unless you take a pill to stop it from being digested by your body, perhaps maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't be eating it in the first place...

2. "Certified" Personal Trainers Who Have No Business Training People

When I say this, I want you to know I've got nothing against certified personal trainers - I am one! I just don't like watching a "certified trainer" make a trusting beginner do Behind-The-Neck Close Grip Lunging One-Arm Upright Bent-Over Swinging Barbell Presses while he or she stands there and counts the number of times the weight moves up and down.

It takes a little more than a two-hour seminar and a polo shirt with the name of the gym printed on the front to make a person a qualified personal trainer.

3. Fitness Instructors Who Eat Donuts In Front of Clients

Just because you're 20 years old and could metabolize vulcanized rubber doesn't mean you should eat a bag of chips or donuts in front of people who are desperately trying to lose weight by taking a class that you are teaching and who are looking to you as a role model! If you want to eat junk, fine, just do it on your own time. When your habits catch up with you in a few years (and they will), there will always be fat loss pills and carb blockers to fall back on...

4. Weight-Loss-Due-To-Illness Envy

Have you ever been really, really sick, dropped 10 or 20 pounds in a week, then had some knucklehead come up to you afterward and say "I wish I could get sick like you so I could lose weight."

Start with the fat in your head! How come these people never get their wish?

5. Sad But True - Sh** Yourself Thin

Another brilliant way to lose weight. Take laxatives with every meal so that you don't keep ANYTHING in you for longer than a few minutes. Just go eat 3-day-old fast food cheeseburgers every meal - you'll get the same general effect.

6. Losing Weight By Wearing Lighter and Lighter Clothing Every Time You Weigh Yourself

This is just kind of funny but I've seen it happen. Start by wearing heavy winter clothing and weigh yourself. Next week, take off the jacket - you've lost 5 pounds! Congratulations! Go with the snow pants next week. Another 3 pounds. The sweater goes next - 2 more pounds. When you get down to pajama bottoms and a tank top, be careful...you may have to start exercising :)

7. Food That's Only 10% Real

How can a juice call itself a juice if it's only got 10% real juice? Can I pay for the juice with 10% real money? How come they don't advertise it as 90% fake? Some say it's half empty, some say it's half full. I say it's only 10% real. Who's to say who's right?

8. The Diet Patch Again Because It's Just So Stupid

I just saw another ad for this thing the other day. "Burn 500 calories an hour!" If you think your metabolism is going to go that fast from a simple, useless patch, get yourself to the emergency room. Sign a blank check and hand it to them. Tell them to do whatever they want to you because you'll believe whatever they tell you.

9. Cereal Bars "With All The Nutrition of a Bowl of Cereal"

And all the high fructose corn syrup of a can of Coke. And all the fiber of a piece of gum. And all the preservatives of a jar of jelly. If they want to impress me, they should base these cereal bars on cereals that are actually GOOD for you to start with!

10. Women Appearing in "Shape" Magazine Who Have Never Touched a Weight in Their Life.

I guess when they say "shape" they really don't specify exactly what "shape" that may be. Marshmallows have shape. Twinkies have shape. There may be women out there who aspire to the ideal of not having any muscle tone, but they probably aren't buying this magazine - they're using it to prop up the short leg of their couch.

Call me crazy but I think a magazine that is about health and fitness should have pictures of people who are actually healthy and fit.

11. Low Carb Hershey Bars

The day I saw one of these on the candy rack was the day I knew the low-carb craze had truly gone too far. Eating low-carb is not about carefully plotting out how crappy you can eat while still keeping your carb count low, as many food manufacturers seem to think.

Eating low-carb is about improving your health and lowering your bodyfat by eating naturally low-carb foods, not about how many grams of the sugar alcohol "gottapoopitol" you can cram into some nasty, chewy, foul-tasting imitation chocolate bar.

12. Supplement Companies That Disguise Their Bottles As Prescription Medication

While some companies rely on fancy pictures and hype to sell their products, other companies make the packaging generic and resembling a powerful prescription medication. Guess what? The stuff still doesn't work. It just looks like it does.

When is a fat loss pill worth $150 a bottle? When the bottle is stuffed with 5 twenties and a fifty.

13. People Who Jump On A Diet Bandwagon Then Bash Others For Not Eating Like They Do

My thanks to Dustin J. for giving me the idea for this one:

Just because you are eating low-carb doesn't mean that everybody else in the world is an idiot when they bite into an apple. Eating low-carb certainly works. So does eating low fat. Heck, you could lose weight on an all-chocolate diet because you'll get so sick of it you won't want to eat it any more.

Eat what you want to eat but don't hack on others for stuff you were doing just last week. Are we going to have to start dividing up restaurants into "Carb" and "Non-Carb" sections like with smoking?

If you feel you need to eat entire packages of Jimmy Dean sausage for breakfast, lunch and dinner because "you can," then just keep it to yourself. Trust me on this...nobody who is watching you stuff your face with buttered bacon wants to hear about how the apple they just ate is going to make them fat and kill them.