A wedding ceremony is a symbol of eternity and hope. It is the day when a couple traditionally begin to build their lives together, build their dreams and hopes, and form a new unit - a family. Unfortunately, not all relationships last, and the breakdown of a marriage is not a joyous occassion. Both partners mourn the relationship in their own way, and more often than not, the emotions involved are not pleasant. Many people turn to anger and resentment, leading to unfortunate occurrences that can harm anyone in the vicinity. It is possible, however, to keep the divorce process clean, and avoid screaming matches!



The following ideas can help you keep the volcano under control... and make sure there is no permanent damage to anyone's emotions, especially the children.

1. Don't wait until the very last minute to discuss your relationship or the end of it. If issues are not discussed between you and your spouse and are aired only during the divorce proceedings, it can get nasty. Honesty and communication should be your guards during the relationship, and when it ends. Make sure you communicate between yourselves, and not through the children.

2. Choose your solicitor carefully. Some lawyers and solicitors that handle divorce can get smarmy and egg you on to fight. Creating a scene in front of your ex-spouse and their solicitor is a very bad idea. It is preferable that you and your solicitor are in the same wavelength regarding the amicability of the separation.

3. If necessary, work with a marriage counselor during the divorce proceedings to work out the kinks, issues, resentments and bad blood between you. Try to avoid bringing these emotional issues to the divorce proceedings. This also enables you to find a way to communicate about and share your custody of the children, and can help avoid using the children as weapons during the proceedings (a big, huge NO NO).

4.Take personal responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Nothing is ever one sided, and taking personal responsibility helps in being able to come to terms with the disintegration of the union. The divorce process is gut wrenching enough without flinging blame at one another. That saying "it takes two to tango" is true. It's never only one party's fault. Sometimes, it's no one's fault.

5. Find it in your heart to forgive. Both sides have done wrong. What is important now is you and your children's future. Concentrate on building a new life rather than harping on about the old.

6.If you have a lot of accumulated property and no prenuptial agreement, take the time to divide your assets fairly and reasonably. If your wife cared for you during your professional years, take it into account. If you both worked and accumulated wealth together, divide it in such a manner that neither feels slighted. Try to understand emotional attachments that your ex-spouse may have for certain things, and find ways to work around them. This, of course, goes both ways.

7.If you cannot come to a reasonable division of property on your own, by all means hire a mediator. Mediators are solicitors that are trained specifically to help divorcing couples mediate their differences and end things well. With a mediator, it is possible to reach common ground and avoid a wasteful prolonged battle in court.

8.Be absolutely positive that your mouth is zipped in front of the children. Do not argue before them, and do NOT spout mean things about your ex-spouse in your children's hearing. They hear everything, and they often tell, since they're confused about the whole thing. Keep your disagreements to yourself, and leave the children out of it. On the other hand, you must not hide the facts from the children. It is recommended that you sit them down together and explain everything in a factual manner. Make sure you reassure them that they are loved. It can only lead to bad feeling if the children hear you say bad things about their other parent.

9.If you receive sole custody, make sure your ex-spouse has ample access to the children. If you share custody of the children, make certain that you are considerate of each other and of the children. Shared custody can be difficult if you cannot communicate. It is vital that you consult each other on decisions affecting the children and maintain open communications about what they are allowed and not allowed to do.

10.Finally, DO NOT TRY TO DO IT ALONE. You really should find a solicitor to help you. The process of the divorce can be heart wrenching, and you must have a representative that is keeping a cool head about them.