Some people stop to smell the roses. I stop to watch the world go by. When I see boys wearing over-sized clothing and girls dressing up in Brittany Spears' outfits, I smile. Now I know how my mother felt when I teased my hair, wore blue eye shadow and dated boys with sideburns and greased- back hair.



Brides have their hair and make-up professionally done for their weddings. Don't grooms wonder why their fiancees never bothered to look that good before? If they don't wonder about that, they're just a honeymoon away from realizing their fiancees may never look that good again.

After the honeymoon shouldn't it be both the bride and the groom who write the thank-you notes for the china and silverware? They're both going to use them. Of course, the thank you note to me will be for the cases of dish detergent and silver polish.

Once you've had children, you realize the sound of children screaming in restaurants sounds loudest to the parents. It's magnified by mortification. Once these families with the screaming children went for Sunday drives. Now they stay home and watch car chases on local TV.

Now that age sixty is the new fifty and age fifty is the new forty, clothing manufacturers have made size twelve the new ten and size ten the new eight. They realize women are more likely to buy brands that make them feel thinner.

Vanity comes in all shapes and sizes - but not for men. Women pay extra for jeans with holes in them. Men will wear holes in their jeans to the point of em-bare-ass-ment. When a man is waiting to cross a street, he repeatedly pushes the traffic light button. For him it's a remote control on a pole.

Some say people look like their dogs. A heavyset man with a Chihuahua? I don't think so. They reflect their personalities. Friendly, energetic, aggressive - it's nurture over nature. It's the dogged truth.

And those people who say they don't like animals have forgotten they are animals.

People who don't vote shouldn't have the right to complain about the government. People who complain they don't have time to shop at a health food store should read the labels on food packaging in the supermarket.

Then again, we all grew up being told a watched pot never boils. I don't know about you, but I'm still watching.