I've just received my bank statement through the post to be greeted by a long list of charges - yet again. Even when I paid for a hire car on my debit card, they managed to charge me for the useless reason of being over my limit for a matter of hours. This is pure daylight robbery and I'm sick of it. For a long time now this issue has been bugging me and I have fought every legal way I know to recoup my losses, all to no avail.

Well this situation is going to go on no longer. You know what they say, it's not what you know, but who. And I know people who can help me. We have tried so many times to go on the straight and narrow, but it just doesn't pay. People take advantage left, right and centre and now it's payback time.

A very close confidant of mine works in a position of importance within the bank. Not because he likes banking but because he wants to know what is going on and I know full well he uses the system for his own advantage. You won't see bank charges on his statement. So, this 'friend' owes me a favour and I give him a call.

It turns out he has recently been informed of impending redundancy, being replaced by a robot by the end of next year of all things, and he is utterly fuming. Just the sort of mentality I need for what I have in mind and he soon comes round to my plan.

We need to enlist some further help if our plan is going to be pulled off to perfection. All identities need to be counterfeit and we call in the favours of an old associate who can arrange this. Under a pseudonym, we gain rental of a small apartment a few streets from the bank and carry out all our plans at this address so as not to incriminate ourselves.

Six months down the line, we have our inside man, I am the mastermind behind the plans and we have a driver. I now know why, in the films, the driver is always the dopier of the bank robbers as this one isn't too sharp either. All he knows is driving and he turns up at the apartment in a hire car. Let's just hope his vehicle doesn't have a tracker.

We have an electronics expert, a friend of his who is a little too lairy and out of control for my liking - if we went by his plans we would just go in guns blazing and blast everybody away, probably coming out empty handed. However, he is meant to be the heavy, the one who is instructed to intimidate and threaten, NOT actually shoot.

It seems we are just about ready and all the plans are in place. Wheels has been instructed to obtain a vehicle on the day and he turns up in something that looks like he's about to take his wife and kids on holiday. I'm assuming this is another of his hire car fixations and I also assume he has used false identity to obtain it but there is no time to check. I'm sure he can't be that stupid!

There is absolutely no margin for error in this job. It has to go to plan down to the very second. Pulling up outside the bank in our hire car, the adrenalin is rushing like crazy. It's the usual scenario. We run in and catch people off guard, Scarface subdues the guards with CS gas and tellers and customers are panicked into a frozen state of submission.

Well, that's the way it's meant to be. Except Scarface is more stupid than he looks and just as we get to the doors, he realises he has left his gun in the hire car. With today's yob culture, nobody is going to be scared just because he's shouting and he has to run back out to retrieve his weapon leaving us all standing there, wasting precious seconds and looking like idiots.

So, once inside, Leccy does his thing with codes and vaults and we're in, without so much as any casualties. Within seconds we have our haul, mostly my bank charges I do believe, so guilt is nowhere in my psyche today, and we're out the door, in the hire car and all geared up for the get away.

Apart, that is, from wheels who is under the bonnet! This is not the time to be making minor adjustments and after I blast the horn, attracting unwanted attention. He hits his head on the bonnet and realising we are back, he jumps in and we make our get away at top speed to the distant sound of police sirens.

Getting back to the apartment for a quick change and to share the money out before the big escape, we arrive to find ourselves surrounded by police. It seems the idiot did use a false identity for the hire car, the identity that goes with this address!