1. She won't like it. Whether you are staying in a five star beachfront hotel or a luxury private villa (my personal preference) she won't be happy and will constantly refer back to her trip to Bexhill in 1974, which was much "nicer".



2. The food won't agree with her. When you are in a restaurant, she will order the most basic-sounding item on the menu and then push it around her plate for half an hour while bemoaning the lack of gravy. (Whatever you do, don't encourage her to try any of the more exotic dishes; the consequences could be catastrophic for the soft furnishings).

3. She will spoil your children. The painstaking healthy-eating regime you have spent all year championing to your kids will be dead in the water when Mother-in-Law presents them each with a large bag of multi-coloured ?locally produced' sweets half an hour before their bedtime. This ensures they are still scuffling briskly with each other well into the time you had set aside for quiet drinks on the terrace.

4. Your children will prefer her to you. (See no.3) And they will not hesitate in proclaiming loudly ? always within the hearing of at least a dozen other people ? how you cruelly starve them and how it is only Nanny's presence that keeps them nourished at all.

5. She will cause rows between you and your partner - who is, after all, her little boy or girl. No matter how irritating she becomes, the secret here is simple; only ever agree with your partner's criticisms of their mother. Never ? under any circumstances ? venture your own suggestions unless you have a full battalion of UN Peacekeepers standing by.

6. You will have to see her in her bikini. One for the men, this, because you are going to have to spend a lot of time with your Mother-in-Law dressed in just the equivalent of her bra and knickers (her, not you). At the risk of seeming unkind, if this were the outcome you had wanted you would have married her in the first place instead of her daughter.

7. She will not pay. For anything. Mainly because her feeble attempts to wave a bit of local currency under your nose will be brushed aside by your partner with "Absolutely not Mum," or "It's our turn to treat you now". Try to carry out covert unilateral negotiations with Mother-in-Law before the trip and secure a cheque you must cash before your partner gets to hear about it. This may cause a stir when they find out what you've done, but hey, the money's in the bank!

8. She will drink too much. And tell you enthusiastically about an ex-boy/girlfriend of your partner's and how in love they were and how everyone thought they were going to get married and settle down together somewhere near to home. (See no.5).

9. She won't baby-sit. She will frequently offer to stay in and look after your children so you and your partner can "go and enjoy yourselves", but when the time comes to leave, the children have decided they are not staying in and ?Nanny' appears on the stairs, rouged up to the nines, having been persuaded by your little darlings to come along.

10. She will cook. If you are staying in a villa (advisable) then she will scotch your plans for that evening by going to the freezer at 7am and taking out a bag of chicken drumsticks. Throughout the day she will be humming and chattering in the kitchen while deftly concocting everybody's favourite ? chicken chasseur. She will present this steaming dish to your family ? who will be still sweating from the 90 degree heat ? at 6pm served with green beans and boiled potatoes. And gravy.

Disclaimer: While the above list is born out of a certain amount of personal experience, I should point out that none of the qualities referred to apply to my own dear Mother-in-Law, who is the very epitome of tact and understanding.