Are you single and looking for a partner? Have you had bad relationships in the past? Are you worried you might never find the right person? If so, you are certainly not the only one. In the UK these days, more and more people are living alone, or as single parents, or with their parents or friends. The number of people who go through multiple divorces is also rising.



Despite the gloomy picture painted by the figures, however, many couples do have happy marriages that last a lifetime. If this is what you want, you can have it too. The key is to approach a relationship in the right way. Just because your previous relationships have ended sadly or badly, it doesn't mean the next one will. If you learn from the mistakes you've made, it won't happen again.

You need to begin by loving yourself. It can be irritating to hear that you've got to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you, but it is true. If you're looking for a partner to give you validation and confidence, this will have one of two unfortunate results. Either your neediness and negativity will put off potential partners or, if you do hook up with someone, your relationship will be built on quicksand. If you believe you are worthless, you invite other people to think the same.

The other drawback to feeling you "need someone" is that you will put too much pressure on the relationship and on the other person to give you what you need. A healthy relationship is one in which each party is whole in him or herself, not with gaps that the other is meant to fill. If you feel there are gaps in you, you are probably right - but that does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. It means you have some unresolved issues from your past (as 99.99% of people on earth have) and you will find a happier relationship if you address these issues first, with the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist.

Particularly if you can see a pattern to the bad relationships you have had, it will be of immense benefit to you to talk to a therapist. If you feel getting some therapy would be shaming, be assured that it's not. If your emotional anguish were a physical pain, you would get it checked out by a doctor, wouldn't you? Why not heal yourself on the inside too? A therapist will help you to gain both self-esteem and insight into your relationship pattern.

Once you have dispelled your inaccurate image of yourself as a loser and realised what a winner you really are, turn your attention to your lifestyle. Do you enjoy your job, while not defining yourself by it? Do you live in a place you love? Have you got absorbing hobbies and interesting, supportive friends? If your life isn't as good as it should be, change it! You can do it - and it's important because if you're looking to your partner to provide stimulation and fun, your relationship will be unbalanced.

Now, the next question is, when you're feeling positive and confident and ready for a partner, how do you set about finding one? There are several possibilities, including joining a dating agency, asking your friends to do a bit of matchmaking, putting an ad in the newspaper

Joining a dating agency gives you the advantage of fast access to large numbers of available people in your area. The problem is that you are under the spotlight and there is a lot of pressure, both on you and on the people whose profiles you're reading, to be what somebody else wants. The same applies, to a greater or lesser extent, to anything you do to search for a partner.

The most productive way to meet someone with whom you could go on to have a happy marriage is to let it happen by chance. Make sure you are always coming into contact with new people but forget about finding a partner. Instead of joining a dating agency, join a club, take a course, do some voluntary work. Concentrate on your job, your hobbies, your friends and on having fun.

Finally, it is a myth that we each have one "soul mate" out there. Actually, there are many different people who could be an excellent partner for you. Whoever it is doesn't have to be perfect - and neither do you. If you are both committed to the relationship, you can make it work. So, now, stop worrying and start living. The right person will find you more easily if you stop looking.