Let me first say that criticism can be useful. In fact, we need to be able to hear and process this kind of feedback in order to progress in life. Otherwise we could become myopic, arrogant or even delusional about our abilities, knowledge and competence. And this kind of attitude, would make it hard to improve our performance or behaviours.
But, words can hurt and the hurt can go deep. The pain can last for years, even lifetimes, and severely constrain peoples lives. Comments can also be meant in other ways than we take them and with no intent to hurt in the first place. There are two ideas I will cover I this article.
Fact or Opinion?
First of all, let me ask a simple and seemingly obvious question, 'Do you know the difference between a fact and an opinion?'A fact is something that is provable. It can be tested and shown to be true. An opinion is someones ideas or perspective about something. Hold a pen in your hand. Now if you were to say, `This is a beautiful pen' is that a fact or an opinion? Obviously that is an opinion. I might think the same pen was unattractive or any other subjective remark. If on the other hand you were holding a red pen and you stated 'This is a red pen' that would be a statement of fact. One is objective and the other subjective. Now this may all seem obvious but there is an important point here.
Too often people will state their opinions as fact, whereas it is merely their opinion.
So if someone calls you a 'goose' (the language could be a lot worse, just insert your words of choice!) check out how you look. Have you suddenly grown feathers, started walking with a waddle and feel inclined towards making honking sounds? In which case, it could be a fact! Get yourself to the nearest doctor (or vet) and see what they can do for you.
If however, no, you haven not changed your physical appearance, then it is just someones opinion. And here is the burning question. Whose opinion of you is the most important?
Who decides your worth?
Now at some stages of life, we make the opinion of other people more important than ours. Teenage years are one example. At this time, we often judge ourselves by the opinion of our peers. That is part of the growing up process and it is fine, as long as we grow out of the habit. Sooner or later, we need to make the life decision to have our opinion about ourselves be the most important to us. After all in all of our lives, we will always be here longer than anyone else!
What is your frame of reference?
The second idea is choosing your 'frame of reference'. A frame of reference is the criteria by which we judge something or decide its validity. There are two options, an internal frame of reference or external frame of reference.
Let me ask you this: how do you know you have done a good days work? Does someone tell you, 'Great job, Joe' or do you just know? The first is external i.e. someone tells you, and the second internal, as you 'just know', which is an internal response. Neither are good nor bad as both have their place.
For example, when learning something new it is useful to have an external frame of reference otherwise it is very difficult to learn anything new, as you could think you know it all already. There is no room for more information. So when learning, go external first until you have enough criteria and information to start to decide for your self (internal) what is valid and what is not.
An internal frame of reference means you decide what is valid, good, bad or otherwise. If when asked the above question about how you know you have done a good days work, you have an internal response (a feeling), that indicates you are operating from an internal frame of reference. If you know your job well then that would be appropriate. But if you were new, perhaps you may still need external validation until you can make good distinctions about what works well and what does not.
When you are thinking about your self and how you are regarded, it is healthy to create solid, positive internal frames of reference. People with healthy self-esteems (how they view themselves) operate from a positive internal frame of reference in regard to their human worth. People with low self-esteem operate from a poor external frame of reference in regard to their own worth. In simple terms, they allow others to decide their worth. Not a useful place to operate from!
Making the change
So how do you change this? While this has been the subject of thousands of books, articles and conversations, let me add a few simple ideas.
1. Listen to and edit your own conversations about yourself. Do not allow negative self talk into your own thinking
2. Start to notice things you appreciate about yourself
3. Make a gratitude list of your life and what you have learned along the way.
4. Understand this is a process, a transition into a new way of thinking. Give your self time and be patient
5. Practice forgiveness.Email me for a worksheet. Read books on the topic
6. Read quality self help books
7. Attend seminars on self esteem
8. Seek professional assistance from a coach or therapist
The sooner you deal with this issue the better off you will be. Your real life may be waiting for you around the corner.
Make Bullet Proof Vest
And while you're in your prime earning years, every day that you're unemployed, or in a lower level position, means wasted income. Days can turn into weeks, weeks can turn into months, and before you know it ? you've just lost $10,000, $20,000, or even more had you been employed.
So how can you bullet proof your career so that you stay in high demand?
A new client I'll call "Jim" recently called me and said that he had gone through a change in management which resulted in losing his 7-year position as the General Manager of a prestigious golf course.
He told me that after one year of searching, he had taken the "only job he could get" which was working part-time in the golf pro shop at a different golf course. After talking for a few minutes, it became painfully clear why Jim wasn't able to get back on his career path.
1. Keep yourself marketable. Jim shared that the golf industry was changing and that companies were requiring a specific kind of training and certification to be a General Manager. But Jim wasn't stepping up and getting the training. He'd rather fight the system (which he was losing) and not pay the two-thousand dollars for the training in the hopes of one day getting hired again as a General Manager. What Jim was actually doing was down sizing his career, his morale, and his paycheck by electing not to get the training.
Never let your career sit on a shelf longer than 6-months. Never! Keep the same drive and discipline that you had when you were employed. Get focused. Get a plan. Make it happen. Wallowing isn't allowed. Create opportunities to keep yourself marketable. Use your "in-between" time to get any training or education you may need. If you're not working, then start freelancing or consulting. Join an association's Board of Directors, or at minimum, a committee. These strategies will help keep you visible, expand your network, and boost your resume.
2. Fish where the fish are. Another mistake Jim was making was not having a solid job search plan. Where are your potential employers? Find out by reading trade magazines, industry publications, company websites and classified ads in your local newspapers to learn which industries are hiring, which companies are hiring, and what the hot jobs are.
Then, start attending industry conferences, trade shows, business networking events and association meetings. Also, join professional networking sites such as LinkedIn to get connected to industry leaders and company decision makers. Make it a priority to get connected, and stay connected, to people who can inspire you, hire you, or introduce you to potential employers.
3. Be a resource to others. Never give the impression that you're hungry for a job. Instead, you want to be seen as someone who drives initiatives, solves problems and leads teams. This is one reason why you want to consult, freelance, or volunteer while you're in between jobs.
Get personal with your professional network. Send out links to reports, case studies, press releases and websites that you think might interest them. Invite them to business networking events, and introduce them to other movers and shakers. Influencers are drawn to those who are resourceful.
4. Give your resume the "it" factor. When it comes to resumes - looks are everything! If you've been applying for jobs that you're qualified for, but you're not getting the interviews, then you need a stronger resume.
Hiring managers can have stacks and stacks of resumes piled high on their desk which means that if your resume doesn't have the "it" factor - you're toast. Don't lose out on a great job because your resume doesn't stand up against your competition. Instead, invest in a professional resume critique. You'll get specific strategies based on your goals, strengths and accomplishments to get the attention of hiring managers and put yourself in high demand!
5. Interview smart. If you're getting interviews, but not job offers ? then you need stronger interviewing skills.
Interviewing brings up a lot of anxiety mostly because it seems that the interviewer has so much power and you, the one being interviewed, have so little. But there are things you can do to balance the scales of power. Invest in a session with an interview coach before your next interview. You'll get crisp, solid strategies to learn how showcase your strengths, answer the tough questions and what to say to close the interview.
And one more bonus tip: consider hiring a career coach. A career coach can partner with you as you navigate through a stormy situation. A career coach can give you the tools and support to help put your career back on track. And some career coaches can give you a roadmap and tell you exactly how to get from "Point A" to "Point B."
Meeting with a career coach means dedicating one whole hour to talking about you about your career goals and challenges. Be prepared to come into a session with your toughest questions, biggest challenges, and an open mind to get new ideas, strategies and best practices to get your career on track!
The point is that if you've been unemployed or at a lower level position for longer than six months, then you need to shake things up! Try different career strategies and start thinking outside the box. And never, ever give up your drive, ambition and courage that it takes to move your career forward.
Your job is out there waiting for you. You just need to go get it!
Both Bill Lee-emery & Sherri Thomas are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Bill Lee-emery has sinced written about articles on various topics from Teenagers, Bodybuilding Supplements and Wellness. Bill Lee-Emery is a Work Life Balance Coach who works specifically with Entrepreneurs, Executives and Senior Managers. You can
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