I try to steer clear of anything that sounds too fruity, and anything that even whiffs of the French is definitely too fruity for me. But, when I needed a truck bed cover for my Dodge, the one I bought said ?tonneau? on the box. I was furious?the nerd at the local truck accessories shop must have known I would have stormed out before buying a frog product and hid the name from me. Anyways, I immediately went back and asked for a refund. What I got was a quick education in truck bed covers.
The guy behind the desk told me that, not only was this ?tonneau? not French, it was made by a company called Access right here in America. Apparently, they inherited this wimpy euro name somewhere in the last 15 years, when soft vinyl covers became very popular. A ?tonneau?, actually, was the name for the snap cover for the back seat of old cars, like Model Ts and such.
So, how did this name overtake something simple like ?bed cover? or ?truck bed cover?? Well, it had vinyl, and snaps, so some people couldn't bother to separate them from a product that stopped appearing with regularity sometime after the Gatsbys of the world disappeared. At least that's what that dork at the shop told me.
Me, I think it was a conspiracy, put on by the same censoring suits and hippies who back the liberal media conspiracy. Liberals love to spread French words and that hate-America-first, surrender-now attitude. It wouldn't surprise me if they were trying to soften the truck-owning heart of America with wimpy language and gas-guzzler taxes like a 1-2 punch. If you have a truck bed cover, you're still an all-American soldier, fighting for the American way. If you have a tonneau cover, though, you're a weaker, softer drone just waiting for secular progressives to drag you along on their plans to fatten the wallets of New England elites. It's a subtle word change, but it means so much more.
Right here and now, I'm calling for an extension of the French boycott that covers these fruity ?tonneau covers.? From now on, they should be known as truck bed covers or freedom covers. If they're not marked as such on the box, don't buy it. Let the truck accessories dealers of America know what they're supporting when they carry tonneau covers. I called the folks at Access and told them about the cause, and they told me they saw things my way, so I ended up buying one of their fine American covers anyway. They assured me that the name would change before I needed one for my next truck. And, they blacked out the word tonneau anywhere it appeared on the box. It'll do for now.
Nissan Titan Tonneau Covers
In order for everyone to understand where I'm coming from on this issue, I'll need to delve into the storied history between the US and France. Back in 1914, World War I landed smack dab in the center of Europe, and France bit off a little more than she could chew. Turns out, for all their gusto, those cheese-eating generals couldn't tell the difference between an Ottoman and a couch. So guess what happened? In came the American cavalry and saved their derrieres. Fast forward to 1939, and another major conflict erupted in the heart of Europe. Basically, it was the same players, same terrain, and same outcome. France got booted out of their own country, and the US had to come over and clean up the mess, again. Why do I bring this up? Simple. We've saved that ungrateful country so many times that they have no right to question our international doings. Our Greatest Generation didn't die face down on the beaches of Normandy 60 years ago for France's freedom to ignore our every command, no matter how absurd or wimsical.
So me and the rest of the boys down at our local Elk's Lodge decided to take action. We started listening to this political wonk out of Levittown by the name of O'Reilly. According to his logic, the best way to fight back would be with our pocketbooks. He told us to stop buying French imports, and that's exactly what we did. Wine? Only from California. Cheese? Better be from Wisconsin. Heartburn medicine? No Nexium for me, thank you very much.
Now, to be perfectly honest, it's been a struggle. I haven't had a decent flute of Champaign in nearly 2 years. And don't even get me started on foie gras. I'm about one lackluster round of hors d'oeuvres away from force-feeding my own goose for even a single cracker's worth of that pate. But I think all our sacrifice is really paying off because old Jacques up in the Elysee Palace is running away from reelection with his tail between his legs. That one goes out to the Gipper.
Unfortunately, this major victory is really going to the heads of some of the more power hungry boys in our Lodge. They want to expand the boycott to anything that even sounds remotely French. I can understand nixing baguettes from the grocery list and steering clear of cherries jubilee at restaurants. But I need my hair palmade. And after doing some online research, I learned that I really need a tonneau cover.
You see, I have to drive my truck for work, and the cost of gas keeps skyrocketing. I was nosing around on Google to see if I could find something to improve my fuel economy, and that's when I stumbled across some articles about tonneau covers. Basically, they cover up your pickup's box, which stops wind turbulence and cuts your drag. Long story short, you can save some serious dough at the pump with one of these. And there are a ton of companies all competing with each other, so the quality is top notch. I was giving serious consideration to Truxedo and Extang, but I finally went with a Pace Edwards retractable tonneau. I still catch hell down at the Lodge, but I don't care. The cover was made in the USA, and I'm not going to hold it against the company that these miracle truck accessories sound like they came from Nice. C'est la vie.
Both David S. Brooks & Steven Duvall are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
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