Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn't make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.



Divorce has dark connotations because it affirms that something went wrong.

But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

Here are some tips on how to reduce the impact of divorce on the kids:

1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It's a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.

This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship ?only for the sake of the children.? If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it.

2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.

3. Even if the other person is "evil", do NOT engage in a hate campaign against them. That is the parent of your child you are talking about - how would you like it if people spoke about YOUR parents that way? Again, be grown- up and honest with your children. Answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can, reassuring them that YOU are not planning to leave too (that is a very common fear).

4. While it is important to be pleasant, it is not necessary to take the entire blame on yourself and make excuses for the other parent. As I have said earlier, the important thing is to be honest. If the other parent doesn't turn up at the promised time, your child will feel hurt and perplexed. At this time, you need to attend to her rather than give justifications for his unreliable behavior. Above all, don't let the child feel that it is her fault that he behaves the way he does or that you separated in the first place.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.

6. Do NOT use your children as a messenger between two immature adults who cannot even find a way to talk civilly to each other.

7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive to the children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not just your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!

8. As a rule, joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other doesn't seem to work. Children need a place they can call home. Be objective and think of your child's interest. If the other parent really is emotionally and financially stronger, and can take better care of the kids - then don't let your ego stop you from permitting it. It may hurt you very bad, but you are an adult and should be able to handle it. Give preference to what is good your child. At the same time, don't interfere with the parenting style of the other parent. You do your best in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Be sensitive about introducing new boyfriends/ girlfriends into the home. Children will harbor, for a long time, a fantasy that their parents will get back together. Bringing a new lover into the home dashes those hopes and will often result in an angry backlash from them. Understand where they are coming from and take it all slowly.

10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up.

Don't assume that your children will suffer from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner. And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent's role in your child's life.

Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.