Q. "Five years ago, my son's father left. In the meantime I remarried, David, who is a fabulous man. He has tried his best to make friends with my son, Nathan. I handle all of the discipline. We've been married for three years now, and my son still won't do anything David asks of him. How can I persuade him to listen to his stepfather?".



A. Although it is problems between you and your ex that have caused the rift, children often feel that they are in some way to blame for their parents' separation. Nathan no doubt feels that Dad left him, rather than you! This will be especially true if Dad's visits are rare or erratic. As a result he feels guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may also worry that you may be the next to leave him.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

It could even be the case that Nathan really liked David before you two married. He just had boyfriend status then. He was fun to be around and wasn't bossy. Now he acts like he owns the whole place.

Making the transition from visitor to parent is often very tricky. The key to it is to be open and honest about it all. Communication is the key. Make time to talk together, regularly, in various combinations: you and Nathan, Nathan and David, and all three of you. Include your other children if you have any.

Let Nathan know that you are aware of his resentments, and confusion, and anger. Reassure him that David will never take his dad's place. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to love and miss his dad, even though you don't. Just be matter-of-fact about why you divorced and don't drag the kids into any parental battles.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

You have to tell Nathan that David does have parental authority over him now. Whatever he asks him to do, he must do it. Don't let Nathan come to you and try to discount anything David requires from him. If you don't like something David is doing, take it up with him privately. In public you have to back him up. Nathan has to be aware that you and David are a couple now and stand together in family decisions.