If you're in a long term stable relationship, but are unmarried, you probably had good reason for choosing this kind of partnership. Now that you're considering parenthood, is there a case for reconsidering your position? Have either or both of you anything to gain from marrying and, more importantly, has your prospective child? One of the reasons most commonly given by prospective parents for marrying be fore the baby is born is to ensure that the father is the legal parent of his child. The legal situation may vary from state to state, so formal marriage may not necessarily bc the only option for you, but clearly neither of you would want to encounter problems in gaining access to your child in the event that your relationship breaks down, leading to a split. However unlikely this may seem at present, no one can fore tell the future, and most couples would want to guarantee that their baby always has the equal benefit of both parents, even if at some time they may not live together anymore.



Changing Relationships

Some times new parents haven't bargained for the fact that their relationship with family and friends will change. More importantly perhaps the dynamics of their own relationship will also change. No time is better spent be fore you even start trying for a baby than in exploring together what these differences might be.

Grandparents

You both know the personalities of the grandparents, and you may see difficulties ahead because their views may not be the same as yours. You'll find later that agreement with grand parents about how you're going to set limits for your child is invaluable. It's also a good idea to agree that you'll both gently but family resist any attempt by them to dictate methods of parenting to you. You can, however, ask them to help you to implement yours. But it's also wise to listen to their views or you may be passing up good advice based on real experience.

Your friends

Once you have children, you may not be available to your friends as much as you were be fore, so they'll appreciate it if you retain your identity as a friend rather than a parent while you're with them. Bear in mind also that you'll meet other people with babies with whom you'll forge friendships, based on the shared experience of new parenthood.

The impact at work

Try also to rehearse in advance what difference thc advent of the baby may have at work. You may never have been a clock watcher be fore now, but it's difficult not to count the minutes when you're aching to get back to and this is just as true for fathers as it is for mothers. However, your colleagues, no matter how sympathetic, have thc right to assume that you'll hard as you did be fore. If you can see possible pitfalls, be up front and negotiate; you won't always be a new parent, and lost trust is difficult to reestablish.

Questioning Your Reasons

Even if you think you both really want a baby, it's still sensible to think about all the issues. The following questions don't have right or wrong answers, but provide what i hope will be a useful starting point for you.

Does the idea of having a baby seem to be the instinctive next step for you both?

Have you always taken it for granted that you would have children?

Do you just want a child, or do you want a child specifically with your partner?

Does one of you want this baby more than the other?

If so, what effect has this had on your relationship?

Do you want to have a baby because you think it will strengthen your relationship with your partner?

What images do you see when thinking about life with your baby? Do they include sleep less nights and dirty diapers?

What will you miss most about being a couple rather than a trio?

Do you have any strong personal ambitions that could be compromised by having a baby?

Do you want a baby to make up for areas in you life that you find unsatis factory?

Is any part of your motivation to please family members, such as grand parents?

Are you and your partner clear about the commitment each of you will make to the baby?