If you find yourself frequently fighting with your husband over the division of labor in your home, you are not alone. The University of California at Berkeley tracked 100 couples from their first pregnancy through the child's entry into kindergarten and found that the primary source of conflict during the first three years of parenthood involved the division of labor.
One day, I was complaining to a friend about the impossible amount of housework in my home, and she asked, "Does your husband show appreciation for all you do?" I gave this some thought and said, "Yeah, I guess, but I'm not sure it matters."
See, the nature of housework is often so unchallenging and so uninspiring that I could hardly take a compliment as anything more than a joke. I mean, what could he say that would help? "Gosh, babe, that countertop looks so spectacular, you'd think the sparkle fairy cleaned it!" Or maybe he could give me a wink and say, "Gee, honey, I really like the aesthetically pleasing way you stacked those dishes in the dishwasher. Did you experiment with a different loading technique today?" If he was feeling particularly sentimental one evening, he might call me to his side, look tenderly into my eyes and say, "I just wanted you to know that I sense your love for me in the way you fold my underwear."
The way my husband shows appreciation is to give me a little help when he comes home. That simple act conveys the message that he recognizes that I am not the maid and that I, too, work. Now don't get me wrong. The division of labor should be fair. If your spouse is hard at work all day and you are at home, you can't reasonably expect him to come home and do two or three more hours of non-stop housework every evening. But getting a little help at the end of a long day is surely grand.
So how do we get our man to help?
Sex, of course. Next time you are slaving over the kitchen sink, unbutton your blouse a couple of notches and purr:
"Baby, have you heard about the research coming out of the Love Lab of Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington? Seems when men help more around the house, their wives are more likely to get in the mooooood." At this point, you should whip your hair back in a hot, sexy manner (being careful not to hurt your back), rock your hips over to where he's sitting, then whisper in his ear, "I just thought you might really want to know." Don't forget to wink over your shoulder as you walk away towards the bedroom.
Clearly, when our husbands help us around the house, we can interpret that as a sign of love, which, in turn, helps us find them more attractive. But here's the catch. When our husbands help, they typically want to know that their work is appreciated. While we are likely to see their contribution as a natural part of their marital duty, they are more likely to see it as a special favor that they are doing for us. This can be a tough concept for liberated women like us to accept. But you'll need to get past it in a hurry if you are seriously looking for more help. So stop nagging. Instead, on those occasions that you catch your husband cleaning, give him a big hug, a pinch on the rear, or a sultry wink-wink. It will help assure that he cleans again.
Now what should you do if you happen to have a man who never cleans? Walk up to him, give him an incredibly juicy kiss and thank him for doing the dishes. When he confesses that he actually never did the dishes, look surprised. Say, "Oh." And walk away, forgoing the over-shoulder wink. He'll likely get off his duff and work a little harder for that next kiss!
Copyright (c) 2007 Christine Conners
It's a tricky question, because the very nature of the question makes it sound like you can manipulate your husband into talking. Well, that's not the right way to go about it. You can't simply make someone talk if he doesn't want to. In fact, if you try, you're more likely to drive him away than you are to find success.
But that doesn't mean you're stuck doing nothing. There are, in fact, many things you can do to encourage him to talk. Let's look at three of them.
(1) Pray -- This seems obvious, but most people pray according to their own desires, not according to their husband's greatest need. In other words, do your prayers sound something like this, "Lord, please make my husband talk to me." If they do, then you know your prayers are focused on you and not on your husband.
The next time you pray for your husband, try this instead: Pray for his relationship with God. If he's not talking to you, then he's not leading you and your family. He's not fulfilling his duty as the spiritual leader of the home. So his relationship with God isn't where it needs to be. You can't force your husband to have a right relationship with God, but you can pray for him. So pray and trust God.
Once he gets his relationship with God in order, you'll be amazed at the difference in his willingness to talk. It probably won't come all at once, though, so be patient.
(2) Give up control -- Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve fell? The curse against the woman was that she would desire her husband. Another way to think of this is that the woman would desire to control her husband. A major reason a man refuses to talk to his wife is because it's his way of maintaining control of an area of his life. The minute he opens his mouth about it, a controlling wife will instantly take control of it. So he remains quiet.
Many wives don't realize they're controlling. The best way to discover what your husband thinks is to ask him if you're controlling. But be prepared for an answer you may not like. And don't get defensive. Listen closely to what he says. You might learn something about why he doesn't talk to you.
If a controlling wife wants her husband to talk, she has to give up control. She can start by repenting and asking God and her husband for forgiveness.
Then she needs to take the focus off of what he's not doing and turn her attention to what he is doing. Encourage him, praise him, and find ways to build him up. Use Philippians 4:8 as an outline for action: "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
(3) Study your husband -- Who does your husband talk to? Why does he talk to them? What does he get from them? By studying your husband's conversation habits, you might discover some things you're not offering him in your discussions with him.
Also consider what really turns him on. What are his interests? Try to learn more about those interests and talk to him about them. Remember, the goal here is to start a habit of conversation. So even if it doesn't go very deep, at least you're getting him to talk.
Finally, study his strengths and weaknesses. How can you encourage the areas where he's strong? And how can you help out where he's weak? Service will go a long way toward starting conversation.
Every man is different. And the reasons they don't talk are just as varied. But these three principles will help you focus on the real priorities.
Both Christine Conners & Steve Kroening are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Christine Conners has sinced written about articles on various topics from Family. Christine Conners is the author of several books including "From High Heels to Bunny Slippers: Surviving the Transition from Career to Home". Christine is a psychotherapist and mother of four who is helping at-home parents ?bloom where they are planted?. Christine Conners's top article generates over 2400 views. to your Favourites.
Steve Kroening has sinced written about articles on various topics from Investments, Asthma and Health. Steve Kroening writes for Success magazine and also publishes Wisdom's Edge. You can get Biblical tips on health, finance, relationships, parenting, and success, delivered to your email inbox every week. Simply visit. Steve Kroening's top article generates over 27100 views. to your Favourites.