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When I was eight years old, my parents took a parenting class and went on toteach parenting classes for over twenty years. I was old enough to rememberwhat my parents were like before and after that class. One might think I had aperfect family, but my older brother experienced a traumatic childhood eventthat left him with severe emotional, mental, and behavioral difficulties. Myparents' use of the parenting skills, in addition to the professionalassistance they received, resulted in a truly miraculous recovery. I was soimpressed with my parents' skills that I took my first parenting class from mymother at age seventeen, long before I had any children. I have been teachingparenting classes ever since in my profession as a licensed social worker.
For more than fifteen years I have taught hundreds of parents, from allwalks of life, who have told countless stories about how these skills havechanged their lives. I have also done extensive research to pool together thebest techniques available to parents (and weed out the abundance of bad advice)so parents can learn to be the most effective parents possible with lessconfusion and more confidence. Each month, I will share some of these tools aswell as solutions to common problems.
In all the years I have taught parenting classes, one skill has stood out asa four-star skill for gaining cooperation from children and preventing problemslike power struggles and tantrums. I call it "Don't say Don't".
Have you ever told your child "Don't go in the street!" and theywalk out in the street? or "Don't fall!" and two seconds later theyskin their knees? Why is it that children seem to do what we tell them not todo?
If you look at it from their perspective, it becomes clear: When I say"Don't spill the milk", what image do you picture in your mind? Mostpeople picture the milk spilling. Children are no different! An adult can takethat image, figure out how the milk might spill, the options available toprevent this and choose the best alternative -- all in a split second!
The younger a child is, the more difficult it is for a child to turn a"don't" around. Children will usually enact the picture created intheir minds. So, instead of telling your child what not to do, tell themwhat to do. Create the picture in their minds.
Say, "Keep the milk in the glass!"; "Stay on thesidewalk (or grass)."; "Watch where your feet are!".
While this sounds simple, it can be far from easy to change our habit ofsaying "Don't". We are so used to noticing what children do wrong, wehave a hard time picturing what we want them to do right. Put your creativityand imagination to work and practice this skill often. Remember . . ."Don't say Don't!"