by Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT

"What are the effects of an affair on children?"
is a question that people often search for.
Although the question looks for a simple answer,
since affairs are not cut and dried situations,
the answers are not cut and dried either. Since,
the quality of the question determines the
quality of the answer, there are some things to
consider.
-What are the ages of the children? The age and
maturity level will have some influence on how
they react to an affair situation.
-Which children are you concerned with, those of
the third party or of the adulterous spouse's
family? Depending on the family value system and
which family the children are a part of, their
response to the affair will differ.
-How the spouses react to the affair is
influenced by how the children respond. Since
children often look to their parents for cues as
to how they should respond, if you 'freak out',
they will have problems adjusting. You can't
loose it and expect your children to keep it
together. If you take things in stride, the
children will likely adjust to changes in a calm
manner as well. The big exception to this is if
the affair behavior is radically contrary to the
values of the home.
-Children often react more to the issues and
problems surrounding the affair. The lying,
secrets, arguing and fighting are often more
difficult for them to adjust to than the affair
itself. When the parents fight, the security of
their world is threatened. They need to have
trustworthy and believable parents. When the
parents do not display those qualities, problems
result.
-The very act of an affair is an act of
selfishness and little self-control. It sends a
message of rejection to the children. Had the
adulterer thought about the children and its
potential effects, the affair would not likely
have occurred. The children recognize this. They
may express an acceptance of the situation, yet
they often carry the scars of the rejection. They
know that the adulterer was thinking about
themselves ahead of them. They look at what the
parents do, not so much what they say. The
actions speak loudly concerning the self focus of
those involved. An affair does not mean that
those involved are bad parents, it does mean that
there are some problems with selfishness and weak
self-control that need attention.
-It is also important to consider what is the
motivation behind the asking the question
concerning "What are the effects of an affair on
children?". The motive often says a great deal as
well, whether from a spouse attempting to justify
their actions, to those who are attempting to
remove the adulterous spouse from access to the
children. Children need both of their parents.
They need to see healing. They need to see
parents working things out and resolving their
differences.
-If the affair develops into a pregnancy, the
intensity of feelings are greater. In such cases,
the new child may become an emotional lightning
rod for both positive and negative feelings that
exists within the family. Although the affair may
fade away, the child will not.
These are just some of the many things to
consider when looking at the effects of an affair
on children. More specific questions like, "How
will the affair effect the trust in the
relationship between us?", "What can I do to help
my child get through the affair?". "How long will
it take before things are normal with the
children after the affair?" can provide more
meaningful answers that hurting parents are
seeking. Some things remain clear even in the
confusion surrounding an affair. Children need
their parents. They need to be able to trust and
believe what their parents tell them. They need
you to be there as they begin dealing with such
situations.