by Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT



"What are the effects of an affair on children?"

is a question that people often search for.

Although the question looks for a simple answer,

since affairs are not cut and dried situations,

the answers are not cut and dried either. Since,

the quality of the question determines the

quality of the answer, there are some things to

consider.

-What are the ages of the children? The age and

maturity level will have some influence on how

they react to an affair situation.

-Which children are you concerned with, those of

the third party or of the adulterous spouse's

family? Depending on the family value system and

which family the children are a part of, their

response to the affair will differ.

-How the spouses react to the affair is

influenced by how the children respond. Since

children often look to their parents for cues as

to how they should respond, if you 'freak out',

they will have problems adjusting. You can't

loose it and expect your children to keep it

together. If you take things in stride, the

children will likely adjust to changes in a calm

manner as well. The big exception to this is if

the affair behavior is radically contrary to the

values of the home.

-Children often react more to the issues and

problems surrounding the affair. The lying,

secrets, arguing and fighting are often more

difficult for them to adjust to than the affair

itself. When the parents fight, the security of

their world is threatened. They need to have

trustworthy and believable parents. When the

parents do not display those qualities, problems

result.

-The very act of an affair is an act of

selfishness and little self-control. It sends a

message of rejection to the children. Had the

adulterer thought about the children and its

potential effects, the affair would not likely

have occurred. The children recognize this. They

may express an acceptance of the situation, yet

they often carry the scars of the rejection. They

know that the adulterer was thinking about

themselves ahead of them. They look at what the

parents do, not so much what they say. The

actions speak loudly concerning the self focus of

those involved. An affair does not mean that

those involved are bad parents, it does mean that

there are some problems with selfishness and weak

self-control that need attention.

-It is also important to consider what is the

motivation behind the asking the question

concerning "What are the effects of an affair on

children?". The motive often says a great deal as

well, whether from a spouse attempting to justify

their actions, to those who are attempting to

remove the adulterous spouse from access to the

children. Children need both of their parents.

They need to see healing. They need to see

parents working things out and resolving their

differences.

-If the affair develops into a pregnancy, the

intensity of feelings are greater. In such cases,

the new child may become an emotional lightning

rod for both positive and negative feelings that

exists within the family. Although the affair may

fade away, the child will not.

These are just some of the many things to

consider when looking at the effects of an affair

on children. More specific questions like, "How

will the affair effect the trust in the

relationship between us?", "What can I do to help

my child get through the affair?". "How long will

it take before things are normal with the

children after the affair?" can provide more

meaningful answers that hurting parents are

seeking. Some things remain clear even in the

confusion surrounding an affair. Children need

their parents. They need to be able to trust and

believe what their parents tell them. They need

you to be there as they begin dealing with such

situations.