Many of us assume that our relationships should, can, and will work out if both parties simply love each other. Our thought process goes something like this: "We are two naturally loving, caring, committed individuals who only need to find the right kind of partner to love and will live happily ever after."
Well, love is NOT enough and the truth about our relationships is quiet often the opposite. In order to succeed in our relationships, we must learn to recognize and deal with the hidden relationship-destroying patterns that live within each and every one us. Not only we need to understand what they are and know how to deal with these patterns in ourselves, but we also need to know how to deal with similar patterns in other people.
We always tend to blame the other party for any relationship destroying behaviors, like arguing. Sometimes we are very judgmental and critical of our partners. Conversations such as good or bad, right or wrong, cause and effect, cultural and or religiously difference and different perceptions commonly contribute to our disagreements or arguments. Much of our relationship stress comes from our conscious and unconscious efforts to change or control the other party. We want others to behave in certain ways we do or we like, and when we cannot get them to, we become stressed, angry and resentful. The more we try to change our partners and fail, the angrier, frustrated, and depressed we are likely to become. Have you ever thought about change your attitude of blaming your partner and look at your own behavior?
Firstly, you need to define your problem(s) specifically. Things annoy you might be something trivial in your partners' eyes: e.g. you are tidier than your partner and tend to take up more household chores. You need to relate to each of your relationship problems as feedback and always assume you are partly the cause of the problem other than always blaming your partner for most problems. You are in a relationship and it takes two to have an argument. Then, you can identify the specific conversations and action patterns within you that are causing your relationship problems to occur or repeat. You will be amazed to see that most times arguments have a pattern.
Once you have found out the causes, you can remind yourself that these are the hidden patterns exist in your body and behavior and not in your mind. You can change it rather than convincing yourself that they are not changeable. You can take action to neutralize these hidden causes and challenge your argument or action, disrupt your automatic behavior patterns, and thus create relationship enhancing contexts instead. Keep trying and never give up. Sometimes you need to revisit your patterns and getting coaching is an alternative if you cannot handle it yourself.
A good relationship is precious. Please try to identify your own relationship destroying behaviors and work on them before blaming or wanting to change your partner be a mini-'YOU'.
