People are vain, and I am rich. It's a bit sad that I've profited so much from people's insecurity, but you know, I worked really hard to develop my skills and talents, and I am very good at what I do. My customers are almost always happy, and when they're not happy, they'll never be. Even if I were the best surgeon ever to set foot on this earth.



One of the many ironies of this job are the customers who come in with magazines, wanting to look like this or that celebrity. I always do my best to oblige, but the truth is the people in the pictures don't even look like that. Those photographs are professionally lighted, digitally touched up and feature models with a lot of makeup on. And then these 40-year old housewives show up at my office wanting to look like Gisele. And I look them in the eye, and with the utmost sincerity I tell them, "Honey, if you latch on to a preconceived image that's beyond what's realistic, you're not going to be satisfied." And they blink their big, round eyes at me, and nod. So serious. They say they understand. But I know I'll see them in my office again a few months later, clutching another pile of magazine clippings.

And you know what is so sad? A lot of these women think that plastic surgery will keep their husbands from cheating. They think that if they become more attractive, they're philandering mates will magically change. That is truly heartbreaking.

Of course, not all plastic surgery patients are women. I see more men coming in as time goes on. The most typical male customer is a doughy, balding guy who just took the final step into middle age. Of course, this guy has a young, beautiful trophy wife who just happens to be spending a lot of time with her personal trainer, Lars. All of a sudden, this cocksure, wealthy guy is scrambling for lost ground. So he shows up and gets a tummy tuck and a hair regeneration.

One thing that does bother me about the whole celebrity surgery thing is the way these people deny it. Just about every famous actor or actress above a certain age has had surgery. I'm not kidding. I don't have exact numbers, but I guess it's about 95 out of 100. And what do they do? They go on talk shows and deny it. They talk about health spas and cucumber diets and exercise programs. They're denying me and my colleagues proper credit! I can only imagine how my business would boom if they would come clean. Famous actors will go on television and get teary about their divorces and drug addictions, and it's a great career move. But if they talk about getting plastic surgery, they might as well admit they have leprosy. It's a bizarre double-standard.

One thing that does bother me about the whole celebrity surgery thing is the way these people deny it. Just about every famous actor or actress above a certain age has had surgery. I'm not kidding. I don't have exact numbers, but I guess it's about 95 out of 100. And what do they do? They go on talk shows and deny it. They talk about health spas and cucumber diets and exercise programs. They're denying me and my colleagues proper credit! I can only imagine how my business would boom if they would come clean. Famous actors will go on television and get teary about their divorces and drug addictions, and it's a great career move. But if they talk about getting plastic surgery, they might as well admit they have leprosy. It's a bizarre double-standard.