A lot of distressed relationships lead at least one partner, usually the break-up victim to seek advice from one of many forums on the internet. While the forums can offer some valuable advice, a lot of the feedback one might receive is inaccurate and not very productive in trying to help one get back with an ex. For many of the forum respondents, the thought of vengeance overwhelms the fact that saving a marriage or relationship should come first.



Two reasons exist for why saving a marriage or other relationship should be a primary response (in most cases, anyway). Additionally, with the divorce rate continuing to increase -- it sits at 50% for first marriages today, 67% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages -- sometimes to get back with an ex really just makes logical sense.

The first is that a lot of people who post advice on these forums do not know the relationship. Coincidentally, these same people will comment on the high divorce rate and bash people who get married or hook up only to break up after so little time. Well, duh, they are the ones encouraging this! If you have ever visited such a forum, you have seen the so-called advice too often: "He dumped you, move on, get over him and find someone else, girl, be strong!" Understand that these posts are based only on several small details; they do not have a full grasp of the circumstances that led to the original post.

The second reason has to do with the fact that people who get "dumped" often act irrationally as a result of the loss of control. This behavior can complicate the relationship. Often, people get far too caught up in the emotion of the situation (which makes sense as we are emotional creatures) and instead of saving a marriage, they actually cause "structural damage." This can range from name-calling to phone- or text-message stalking. Keep in mind that the one who did the dumping never fell in love with a crazy stalker, so it is unlikely that this person will take a crazy stalker back. The situation calls for rational, logical thinking and behavior.

In nearly all cases, saving a marriage or relationship makes the most sense. Consider that during the course of a relationship, both parties ultimately build a comfort zone. Starting a new relationship involves risk -- risk of failure, risk of discomfort with the other party. Most people are averse to taking such risks and prefer to stick it out. In fact, our psychological hard-wiring has made it easier for us to put up with someone who borders on emotionally abusive than to risk starting a new relationship with someone else. For the most part, forum posters fail to realize this and come up with more-difficult recommendations.

In summary, forum posters who encourage a fresh start with someone new are essentially shifting the blame for the break up to the party who is seeking advice in the first place. Often, posters will try to point out general flaws in the offending party without having a full understanding of the relationship or circumstances surrounding the break up. As a result, it is always best to take advice on forums with a grain of salt, which is not always easily done in moment of heartache and desperation. Surely, most posters have good intentions, but their posts do little to mend a marginally broken relationship. By discounting the benefits to saving a marriage or other relationship, they are essentially encouraging avenues that only complicate matters further.