Three years ago, the U.S. government decided to distribute a DVD to ?stop bullying now? in schools. (One could argue that the government itself could learn something from the DVD, what with its adventures in the Middle East?). That program showed up recently at a free workshop given at Nova Southeastern University in Davie. The presenters also unveiled a web site that should be on every parent's screen at least once in the next month ? yes, it's time to stop bullying now.



As a family therapist, I applaud this effort while sighing heavily. Certainly our children in elementary and middle schools need a well-organized and dynamic presentation about the risks of bullying. The DVD defines the act of bullying as ?aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength.? The program gives examples of bullying as ?teasing, hitting, taunting, manipulating friendships or excluding other children.?

In a dozen episodes, colorful animated animals in clothes go to school and experience what most of us know too well, the indignities of being excluded. The DVD also has ?workshops? for organizations, teachers and parents to view with children, all with the aim of ?stopping bullying.?

My concern is that the focus is on something negative. It's like ?I'm going to kick this smoking habit.? The focus is on ?not smoking,? so guess what sticks in my mind? Cigarettes. If I can shift the focus to something positive, such as ?getting a fresh breath of air? whenever I have an urge to smoke, the focus will not be ?anti-smoking,? but rather ?pro-health and feeling good.?

Let me tell you about a girl at an after-school center where I work. Whenever I walked into the main room, there she was, standing in a corner. I asked her why she was always standing in the corner. ?Mrs. B put me here.? How can you get out? I asked her. ?I don't know. She ALWAYS puts me here and the other kids laugh at me.? Mrs. B. apparently thought there is only one way to deal with this child and the child thought that there was nothing to do to change Mrs. B's opinion. So I asked her, ?What are your options?? With a little encouragement I found out that the girl could see her way to acting less annoying to Mrs. B. ?How can we work our way out of the corner?? That question helped the girl focus on getting out, rather than focusing on where she was at.

I wonder if that's the problem I have with the government's focus on bullying. ?Stop Bullying Now? keeps the focus on the negative. ?Get out of Iraq? and ?anti-war? rallies in general have this same characteristic: The focus remains on the current situation. ?Getting out? and being ?against something? takes our energy and creates separation. You're either for the war or against it. You are the bully or you're against the bully.

That's why I like what one of the counselors in the DVD says to the camera. ?We know that students want to feel safe.? He's standing in front of a sign that reads ?Positive Friends.? I'm sure the organizers of this campaign would never have gotten the government backing of their project if they proposed to make a DVD about ?positive friendship? and ?feeling secure in school.? Unclear. What does that title say about people who bully?

In my practice I focus on options, especially non-violent options. When a teacher shouts at a child, when a teacher makes a cutting remark about a child's continued lack of progress, that's bullying, too. Unconscious bullying happens when a teacher says, ?I struggled through school with Cs and Ds because I have dyslexia. I didn't have any alternative to the written test. So while I'm willing to work with a dyslexic student to look at alternative ways of showing how well the kid knows the material, I would be doing the child a disservice if I allowed him to take a test orally. They don't do that in college.?

What are our options? That's what I hope people watching the bullying DVD will ask. How can we include the bully in the process? How can we see bullying in our own adult behavior? When we have the upper hand, how easy is it for us to use force to impose our will on a situation? ?I make the rules and you'll follow them as long as you're in this house.? ?It's my way or the highway? at most schools where it's unheard of asking the students to create the rules that they will follow. However, if we in powerful situations don't show the powerless how to participate in the discussion of how to use power, then why should we be surprised when our meek elementary students turn into mean middle school bullies? They've seen that when we have the power, we adults use that power rather than negotiating a solution.

The teacher who is dyslexic could reframe the situation by saying, ?It's a different world today than when I was in college. Governors have dyslexia and they don't take notes or write. They dictate. How can I restructure my class so that dyslexic kids could have someone take notes for them? How can we get the books read onto audio files? How can we allow students to make video recordings showing what they know instead of writing the answers?? In short, when we feel annoyed with a [person, we can use that opportunity to find out the source of the irritation. Often the problem starts with us, since we are frustrated that we don't have an easy answer to a student's problem. Rather than work on a solution together, we choose to get annoyed by this dyslexic kid who is seeking what we see as an ?easy way out? ? and that annoys us who had to struggle through school. The key is looking at the bigger picture: if I don't help the student get out of the hole he is in, and if I wait for the student to come up with a solution, I risk leaving the kid in a frustrated state and that leads to resentment and anger. If I don't show the child an alternative, the child will resort to old behaviors that resulted in past failures. I ask my clients, ?How can we bring this back to you, not to the annoying student?? When we get irritated, we see that we are irritated with the situation, not with the student. That insight leads to options, which lead to solutions.

If you want to learn more, go to stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov (why didn't they buy a shorter domain name?). The DVD costs $70 (why didn't the government contract pay for the DVD and distribution?) but the videos can be downloaded at no cost. For more insights into what lies behind the bully, visit ResolveToHeal.com.

You can meet me in Fort Lauderdale at one of the schools where I work, the Downtown Academy. www.downtownacademy.com. Imagine visiting sunny south Florida and taking time from your tours and the beach to sit down with students and learn how these anti-bullying campaigns and positive friendship programs have helped in our schools. You could see how this program helps students who are learning English at FreeEnglishLessons.com and how students can travel the world using web sites like Roadlovers.com. At least come by the school and pick up your free CDs and have more insight into the process of learning in a middle school.

Thanks for your attention.

Pat Harris

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

http://www.Roadlovers.com a travel site