For example, they might ask us:



1. To give them money.

2. To lend them money.

3. To do something for them that is their responsibility.

4. To tell a lie to cover up for them.

5. To go somewhere with them.

6. To avoid someone or not keep company with someone for some reason.

7. To ignore a certain procedure, protocol or law.

8. To spend time with them.

9. To gossip about someone.

10. To engaged in activities that make us feel uncomfortable.

11. To solve their problems

On the one hand we love that person and want to express our love by facilitating their needs and helping them be well and happy. On the other hand, what they are asking may be in conflict with our needs, attachments, fears, values, ethics or sense of justice.

In these situations we need "spiritual love with spiritual discrimination". We need to evaluate what we are being asked to do and pass it through a few clarifying filters.

1. Is what they are asking us to do in alignment with our conscience and ethical values?

If yes, move ahead to the remaining questions. If not, you will need to explain to the others that, while you love them and want them to be happy, you cannot do something that brings you into conflict with your conscience. You express to them your hope that they can understand and that you would not want them ever to do something for you that would put them in conflict with their conscience and that you definitely want them to tell you if and when that happens.

2. Is what they are asking you to do, good for them or might it harm them?

The answer to this question is not always a clear yes or a clear no. If they are asking us to pay for illegal drugs or to become accessories to some crime, the answer might be a clear "no". But if they want us to give them a home and money while they refuse to work and carry their load or are taking drugs or excessively drinking, then we may not be so clear.

On the one hand, we might be helping them by supporting them and giving them time to be safe while they are able to work through their problems. On the other hand, they might just become dependent and do nothing positive for themselves as long as we cover them economically and they do not actually need to change or work. This is a dilemma that most parents of drug addicted children and families in co-dependent relationships (perhaps with alcoholics) face on a daily basis.

Some parents experience this dilemma with children who would like to be eternal students or eternal children always depending on the parents. Some may experience this problem with their spouse during a period of life crisis. We may have such a problem with our parents when they lose their energy and feel the need to depend on us or have our attention.

What do we do? Do we accommodate them unconditionally? Do we set limits? Do we harm them by allowing them to depend on us? Do we harm them by not helping them? What is real love in such a situation?

3. "If we were in the others' position, what would we really like us to do?

Some of us might answer, "I would like them not to respond so that I am forced to contact my inner resources and move forward in my life." Others might answer, "I would like the other to accommodate my needs for a period of time, so I can stand on my own feet." A few might answer, "I would like the other to take over my life and care for everything and I would like to be free not to do anything or have any responsibilities." Some might answer, "I need to feel their love through their indulging me at this time and then I will move on."

I have seen situations in which parents repeatedly solve their adult children's economic problems, give them their homes etc, and receive only rejection and often hate from the children. One reason for this might be that when we help someone by solving their problems, we are actually saying to them (or they saying to themselves), "you are weak, unable and worthless." When we do something for others, that they can do for themselves, we might be actually undermining their sense of self-worth and self-confidence and they might end up hating us for that. Of course, they might also hate us for not helping them.

Note: The point here is not a question of whether or not they will love us, but a question of what is the most beneficial and loving response from us in this situation.

Twelve-step groups suggest to the family members what they call "tough love." Show love, but do not play their games. Do not cover up for them. Do not pretend there is no problem. Love them but do not support their problem. Love them but expect responsibility. Love them but employ natural and logical consequences when they are not responsible. Express your love to them regularly while being totally honest about your feelings and needs.

The same problem occasionally occurs between ill or elderly persons and their caretakers. As caretakers we are not always clear about how much help others really need and what limits are good for them and for us. We are being asked to express love in very specific ways. Some care for others in unloving, totally mechanical ways. We need to find our balance. Love and serve while being honest with ourselves and the others about what we really feel that we can do for them and they can do for themselves.

4. Have I given them enough chances? Have I helped enough times but seen that they are not taking responsibility for their lives? Do I feel that I need to give them more chances?

The answer to this question is not a matter of numbers or time but rather a feeling that we have. At some point it just becomes clear that we have done enough and that we can continue to love and emotionally support others without solving their problems or complying with their needs. We clearly feel that we can help them much more by allowing them to become more self-dependent. We can always be there for them emotionally offering love and support as they now seek to find solutions for their problems.

Such clarity of feeling usually arises from an appreciation of of balance in how many times and for what duration we have helped this person, and what type of effort we perceive on their part.

We must also free ourselves from the role of the savior, parent or the responsible one. In such roles we need the others to need us. We might complain that they do nothing and depend on us, but subconsciously we need them to be this way. We get our feelings of self-worth and security and even meaning in life by being indispensable for the others. Many parents have undermined their children in this way.

We need to distinguish between helping because we love someone, and helping because that makes us feel worthy or important or strong. Are we doing this for them or for us?

Another trap is to help others with what they can do themselves because we feel guilty. They play with our guilt and control us. This is not love. It is guilt. Are we helping because we love others and believe that they will benefit from what we do or because we will feel guilty and responsible for their reality? A lot of emotional blackmail takes place around guilt.

5. Are we helping the other because we believe they cannot do this for themselves or because we are afraid they will cease loving us if we do not? Is this love or a fear of not being loved? If we were sure they would love us even if we did not help them, would we do what they are asking?

6. Am I doing this because I believe I am responsible for the others' reality or as a way to help them get started? Am I solving their problem or helping solve their own? I am giving them a fish or teaching them how to fish? Do I believe that the other is incapable, unable to solve his or her own problems? Our help should be like coming across someone whose car won't start. We push them until their motor starts and then we let them continue on their own. It would be ineffective for them and us to keep pushing them once they got started.

7. Do I perceive the others as souls in evolution? Is what I am doing helping the other grow more emotionally and spiritually responsible and mature? Or am I simply allowing the personality to become irresponsible and dependent?

This is not always clear cut. Others may actually need to be taken care of for periods of time and that might be exactly what we need to do with love for our own evolution. Often however, we pass over the boundaries that are healthy for them and us.

Our personality seeks external security and approval. As souls we already experience self-worth and security. If we pamper others we may make them weaker and even more dependent on external solutions obstructing their emotional and spiritual maturity. But if we abandon them in a critical moment in their life, that walking away may temporarily harm them.

8. Do we have enough inclination, time, energy and / or money to do what is being asked of us?

What is our lesson here - to overcome the limitations of our tendencies, time, energy and money and lovingly give more than we easily can, or to be able to say "no" with love.

What we often do in such cases is to create negative feelings and begrudgingly do what they want or get angry and lose our love because others are asking more than we can and want to give. We often feel the need to get angry and close our heart because we feel so uncomfortable with saying no and are so sure we will lose the others love if we gave less.

We need to remember that love requires truth and that we have every right to be loved even when we cannot accommodate the others' needs or requests. If we can love others even when they do not satisfy our needs, then we can feel comfortable with expressing our choice, with love, not to respond to the needs of others. When we emit love, there will be love.

We need to determine what our lesson is in each specific moment, by considering how important the others' needs are, how true it is that they cannot find other solutions and how much energy, time, money and inclination we have in the moment to respond. Once we make that evaluation, we either do what they are asking with love and thus receive energy from our love to do, or, explain with love that we cannot or choose not to help them at the moment and the reasons for our decision.

9. Can we do this with love?

Or will we be doing it as a responsibility or out of fear of not being a good person or fear of what others might say, or fear of losing the others love?

This is an essential question. If we answer, "no" I cannot do this with love and joy, perhaps our lesson is to be able to explain with love to the other that we prefer not to do what is asked and the reasons why.

However our lesson might be just the opposite. We may be being asked to let go of inner obstacles that prevent us from being able to do what they are asking with love and joy.

Only you can know what your lesson is.

True love encompasses both being free to serve with love and joy and also being able to lovingly say no.