In today’s hectic world, the married woman who doesn’t feel overwhelmed is a rarity…an oddity…practically an endangered species. For most women, time is in short supply while stress lurks at every corner. Even though we are constantly on the go, we feel constantly behind. Molehills can seem like mountains. Taking a step back is crucial. Getting some real perspective is the key to more quality time for yourself, which translates to more time for your marriage. We promise.



It’s Not Just You

Has your husband ever complained that you worry too much? Or do you notice you have a hard time winding down or relaxing like he can? Research confirms what most couples discover early: men and women tend to approach time and stress very differently! One Ohio University study found that men who were married with children didn’t feel any more rushed in their daily lives than single, childless men. Yet the odds of feeling sometimes or always rushed were more than two times higher for married women with children than for single, childless women! The results suggest that women—particularly mothers—feel the pressures of child care and managing a household more than their husbands do.

Another interesting study looked at the free time women and men reported having in 1975 as compared to 1998. In 1975, women and men had similar amounts of free time, but by 1998, a 30-minute-per-day gender gap had opened up, with women having less leisure time than men. Moreover, the percentage of women in 1998 who said they always felt rushed increased 10 percent as compared to 1975. The odds of men feeling rushed did not change significantly over the same 23-year period.

Why You Give, Give, Give

For married women, particularly mothers, “free time" is too often entangled with “care giving" to feel truly free and refreshing. Psychologists say women handle stress in two specific ways: they tend (protect and care for loved ones) and befriend (seek and receive social support). In fact, women’s bodies make chemicals that are believed to promote these two responses. One of these chemicals is oxytocin, which has a calming effect during stress. This is the same chemical released during childbirth and found at higher levels in breastfeeding mothers. Women also have the hormone estrogen, which boosts the effects of oxytocin. Men, on the other hand, have high levels of testosterone during stress, which blocks the calming effects of oxytocin and causes hostility, withdrawal, and anger. Good point to remember the next time you feel frazzled and your husband looks fresh as a daisy.

The Road to a Cure

First and Foremost, Make Time for Yourself

No guilt allowed. Don’t be one of those women who has to reach her breaking point to realize the importance of taking care of herself. No matter how busy you are, set aside at least 15 minutes each day for yourself. Read a magazine. Take a long shower. Go for a drive and listen to music you love. Call a friend. Each woman must find her own way to unwind. Commit yourself to this “me" time. You’ll soon find how just quieting your mind and breathing deeply can do wonders for recharging your battery and having more energy.

Define Your Limits and Stick to Them

There are only so many hours in the day. Get crystal clear on the reasons why you are undertaking all the tasks in your life. When it comes to your job, household, and marriage, ask yourself honestly what you can really do. What is it that you are trying to achieve? Put pen to paper and make a list of your obligations. Then create tiers of what is absolutely necessary, down to what is absolutely not. Show it to your husband and get his input. Make compromise your best friend.

Get Comfortable With the Word No

Saying no to requests for your time and energy is always an option. Too many women are people-pleasers. This is the best way to end up overwhelmed and resentful. By saying no, you aren’t being selfish. You’re ending the cycle of doing more and gaining less. You are valuing your time and respecting your needs. There is no greater threat to a balanced life than trying to handle too much at one time without clear personal intention.

Create a Daily Game Plan

Every morning, take a few minutes to write out your top goals. Then prioritize them by tiering them again from “must-do" to “nice-to-do." This daily roadmap helps you think ahead and anticipate how you’re going to spend your time. Make sure to share your list with your husband when it is necessary to divide and conquer. This simple technique also subtly trains your subconscious to accept these goals as attainable and view your day as manageable. This simple habit will help you figure out what’s most important to you every day and your plan of attack.

Ask for Help and Support When You Need It

Don’t expect your husband to be a mind reader. Sharing what you need is not a sign of weakness; it is how you create stronger intimacy and connectedness. Don’t be shy about asking for help when you need it. It often can just help to hear a different point of view. Talk to friends who are good listeners and can remind you that you are not alone. Seek out the assistance of friends who you admire, the Martha Stewart types who seem to balance everything effortlessly. They can give you tips but likely reveal they are human and struggle too. Always reassuring. Talk to a professional if you need to. A therapist can help you work through stress and find the best ways to handle an issue given your own unique motivations, goals, and styles.

Be proactive in how you deal with the rat race that is modern life. There’s no reason to consistently struggle and never feel ahead of the game. Better time management is a lifestyle, a daily practice, a frame of mind. Though you can’t expect every facet of your life to change overnight, small shifts in your daily perspective and habits can lead to big improvements in the long run. After all, being a woman is ultimately a marathon not a sprint.