There is no way to escape tragedy other than to die before anyone else does, be a recluse, or not permit close relationships. However, close loving relationships are a wonderful and even necessary part of a full life. Perhaps the pain we feel from the loss of a loved one is to teach us the very meaning of life, love, and the importance of respecting relationships when we have them.



But everything should be in measure. To throw ourselves totally into another person and lose self and independence is a formula for disaster. When the loved one is gone, meaning can be lost, which in turn can jeopardize health and life. We must love well, but always keep a part of ourselves that can survive in the absence of the loved one.

Rejection by a loved one can bring almost the identical pain and suffering as losing someone to death. It can be even worse since the lost person's presence continues as a constant reminder. The wound is irritated, scraped, and reopened again and again.

The best way to survive tragedy is to plan for it. For one thing, a creative and challenging life gives us something to fall back on. It's also critical to be aware beforehand that there will be no quick or easy healing. Pain and sorrow are part of the healing process. Do not assume life is ending or that the acute pain will remain forever.

Think of a tragic loss as if it were a deep knife wound to the brain. First there is the sharp and excruciating pain (for this metaphor forget that brain tissue has no pain receptors). Then there will be less, but more chronic pain. Healing of such a wound has inevitable ups and downs like any physical injury. The wound can be reopened (like stubbing a toe on the mend) by a memory, a song, a visit, or acquaintance, and then re-closed. The further the distance in time from the event, the more quickly the wound re-heals when re-injured.

With more time'at least two years?the wound closes more completely. Once the ?scar? is in place the pain is duller and continues to fade. Life becomes livable again even though the scar is never totally gone.

This natural healing process, in which time is the most essential element, is a reality all of us must understand to survive well through such an ordeal. The pain we feel is not unique and is not the most anyone has endured. Time must be allowed for the healing. In the meantime we must do smart things that will speed the process and ease the suffering.

That is, of course, easy to say but almost impossible to understand or implement when tragedy strikes. So we must resolve beforehand that when tragedy strikes we will do certain things even though we will not feel like it at the time. Exercise, social contact, rest, sunshine, and good nutrition are essential. These are the therapeutic factors the mind needs as building blocks for the healing process. Stopping a healthy routine will only prolong the healing. We need to buy time, and the best currency for that is to continue with smart living.

People who stop eating and shut themselves in their room to mourn only prolong the pain and may even create life-threatening disease. The mind-body connection must be respected. If we give up and wish death, our body listens. That is why so many people fall victim to serious illness and even die close in time to the loss of a loved one. Although we may feel like giving up, others love and need us. We have a responsibility to them and to our own person to treat our own gift of life with the respect it deserves.

Becoming active in a cause that helps others, or a cause relevant to the loss can speed the healing process. As mentioned in a previous chapter, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (begun by a mother whose child was killed by a drunk driver) and the America's Most Wanted television program (begun by a father who lost his child to a murderer) are two excellent examples. Helping to right a wrong and assisting others is the best form of distraction. It helps us think outside of our own circumstance to the feelings and needs of others. This gives that all-important sense of control and purpose. Using our misfortune to ease the suffering of others can also help us to see one of life's most important lessons: everything in life, no matter how awful or tragic, can work toward good.

For further reading, or for more information about, Dr Wysong and the Wysong Corporation please visit www.wysong.net or write to wysong@wysong.net. For resources on healthier foods for people including snacks, and breakfast cereals please visit www.cerealwysong.com.