The starting point of course is to understand the needs of the children at this difficult time and here will look at just some of the more important needs which you should focus upon.



The need for acceptance

Divorce not only sees the separation of mom and dad, but also sees the breakup of the family unit to which the children belong. This in itself can be very difficult for the children, but is often accompanied by a feeling on the part of the children that they are actually responsible for the breakup.

At this point therefore it is extremely important to assure the children that this is anything but their fault. It is also vital to assure them that, whatever the final outcome, they still form a vital and central role in the lives of both parents and that their welfare is very much at the top of the priority list in whatever arrangements are being made.

The need for safety

The breakup of the family unit also brings with it the potential loss of a feeling of safety and security for the children.

To counter this it is important to try to keep life as normal as the circumstances allow by maintaining the childrens' routine, as well as their boundaries.

The need for structure

The breakup of the family structure and the loss of one parent from the equation of day-to-day living will often result in children probing the new structure and, in particular, testing its boundaries.

Along with maintaining a routine for the children it is also important to both reward good behavior but also to appropriately punish bad behavior. Many parents feel that they should 'give the children some slack' because of the difficult and changed situation in which the children find themselves. Children however need to have a structure to their lives and, wherever possible, to see that many things have not changed at all.

The need for strong parents

Divorce can easily have your emotions at sixes and sevens and it's not always easy to cope with the trials and tribulations of daily life. Your children however will look to you as providing stability and strength, particularly in times of crisis, and it is vital that this is just how you appear to your children.

Your children will naturally worry about you so, whatever your own feelings, try to keep these away from the children and provide them with an environment in which they can relax.

The need to be kids

It's common for divorced parents to turn to their children in the absence of a former marital partner and it is very easy to draw your children into dealing with essentially adult issues.

The time for them to deal with adulthood will come all too soon but, for now, they need to be allowed to be kids. So, deal with your problems yourself and limit the amount of information your children have about what's going on between yourself and your former partner.