Some haircuts just shouldn't happen. We've all had bad ones at one time or another - usually not too over-the-top horrible, just some barbering that went slightly off-course that ended up correcting itself after a few days' of your hair growing past the glitches.



Other haircuts, however, are a bold statement - of just how insane the person who requested it is. We proudly present our Final Four of manly hair mistakes throughout history. You usually can't blame the barber for these - people have to ask for this kind of abuse. If a barber actually talks a patron into the following four Sweeney Todd specials - and, rest assured, it won't be a Kennedy's barber! - legal action should be taken to strip the perp of his barber's license.

1. THE MOHAWK

This haircut has the most ancient roots of our Final Four - but age in this case does not equal wisdom. Up until 2003, we all assumed Native Americans came up with this singular style - but that year, in an Irish field, someone dug up an incredibly well-preserved prehistoric chap, dubbed Clonycavan Man ( as seen in the upper left photo) - who, by default, received the dubious distinction of being the founding member of the Mr. T fan club. Not only did this refugee from 300 BC actually have a 'hawk - researchers also discovered remnants of an ancient hair gel (no lie) in the hair used to make it stand up on end.

2. THE QUEUE

This is probably the most creative of our Final Four. Here's how you make it happen in a nutshell - shave the entire front of your head, but leave enough to simulate a fur yarmulke on the back of your head, and then grow a giant ponytail that extends down your entire back. Finally, spend the rest of your life braiding that giant ponytail (as you can see from the above left picture, you have the option of "circling the wagon" with the ponytail instead of merely letting it swing to and fro, undoubtedly injuring innocent pedestrians on either side of you).

This is the hairstyle the Manchurians forced the Chinese to adopt when they invaded in the 17th Century. And every male that refused to succumb? Well, instead of getting their hair cut, they got their neck cut. Let us pause and honor the memory of those who resisted this crime against personal grooming and paid the ultimate price - their lives.

3. THE POMPADOUR

The 17th Century gave us the Queue - and the 18th Century gave us the Pompadour. Not exactly progress. Originated by the fashionable Madame de Pompadour in France, this upswept hairdo swept over the continent like a tidal wave. Unfortunately, since hair gel was in short supply back then (apparently they had no access to the Clonycavan line of hair care products), innovative grooming aids such as bear grease were used to keep those locks up, back and pasted down in place. Nothing like a little animal fat on your head to keep you stylin'.

It may have been King Louis the XV's main squeeze that made it happen in the first place, but it was the King of Rock N' Roll, Elvis himself, who helped the hairstyle to a big comeback in the 50's. He should've taken the advice of one of his hits - "Return to Sender!"

4. THE MULLET

Our last hair horror is one we can't blame on ancient man, invading Manchurian armies, or French royalty. No, the Mullet is a monster created in modern times, begat by Bowie (who somehow got away with it) and replicated by hundreds of '80's hard rockers. The haircut was not officially named, according to no less a source than the Oxford English Dictionary, until the Beastie Boys released their ode to the "business in front, party in the back" hairstyle, "Mullet Head" in 1994. Even now, you'll find millions of mullet tributes on the internet - because, somehow, just like a horrible car accident, we just can't make ourselves not look.

Copyright (c) 2009 Kennedy's All-American Club