Each day sounds invade your personal worlds. Bells, whistles, chimes, screeches, horns — most you dismiss even without acknowledging. Babies crying, dogs barking, rocks sliding, winds roaring, waves crashing, doors closing — most you acknowledge, assess or even analyze, to determine the urgency of a situation.



Between these two extremes lies the kind of hearing that people tend not to value. That is the hearing that requires consciously listening to humans. At the word level, the words that you speak reveal much about you. For example, words that you use repeatedly reveal what concerns you, pleasures you, angers you, frustrates you. Therefore, if you want to understand someone in your world, listen for words that are repeated, especially in both high and low stress situations. In both, words tumble from our mouths without necessarily passing through the thinking part of the brain. In low stress, you most likely share information with others and they with you. Water cooler conversations come quickly to mind.

As you listen, consider what the other person is really telling you. What is important to the person? — Football? Defense or offense? Particular plays? Fights? Bad calls? Or weekend activities? — Friday night blasts, trips to museums, play day with the family, fixing-up the house, going deep sea fishing. What the person chooses to share is not as important as what you hear repeated over time. What you also want to identify is the level of detail being shared. Are you hearing details that involve sight, sound, touch, taste, smell? Sight reveals the lowest level of personal engagement, how much of themselves they are willing to reveal? Touch reveals considerable engagement. Taste and smell almost never are shared in water cooler conversation. They are too personally intimate and the language has too few words to identify the subtleties.

As you move to high stress situations, word-choice changes because the stakes change. Winning takes on a significant role. Again, repetition offers numerous clues. So, too, does the level of detail. Certainly, vocal volume conveys information as does the tone of the voice. Most listeners lack the skills to assess the subtle vocal changes. However, other tools can help. Certain words increase in importance — should, need, must. They suggest a desire to point the discussion in a particular direction. Others such as I, we, you and they suggest responsibility, even blame in some cases. Finally words, such as is, am, are was, were, be, been, being suggest a softening of a stance. When you hear these words, listen for the next word, usually a verb, to reveal what is being softened. This softening frequently occurs to lessen confrontation, or even attack.

Shift, now, from the entire word to the endings of words. If you hear numerous -ed words, you most likely are dealing with issues in the past that still concern the individual. By contrast if you hear numerous -ing words, you are typically hearing actions in the present. If you hear -ly words, you are frequently hearing intensity of feeling or action.

Taken together, these language clues guide you in assessing people in specific situations. These clues also help you understand yourself to a greater extent. Certainly, listen to yourself. Quite simply, change your language and you change people's perceptions of you. Change your language and you can change the experiences that shape your life. In the end, you change how you think about yourself.