Many parents use the same type of discipline for every problem situation.One tool, however, is rarely effective for all situations. Plus, overusing oneparticular tool also reduces its usefulness. Timeout is just one tool -- and itreally isn't a "discipline" tool; it's an effective anger-managementtool. Since the purpose of a timeout is to help someone regain control, it ismost appropriate to use when someone has lost self-control or there isextremely disruptive behavior.



Most adults have the mistaken idea that the whole point of sending childrento timeout is to make the child suffer for their misbehavior. "You go toyour room (or chair) and think about what you did." The tone of voiceusually implies, "and you suffer." Imposing suffering only brings onmore resentment and power struggles. Effective discipline, however, teacheschildren lessons from their poor behavior choices, rather than punishing them.If you want timeouts to be constructive, try following these guidelines:

Develop a plan in advance. Teach children during a happy time aboutthe value of a cooling-off period. Say, "When you feel like you're goingto lose control, you can go (specify the place) and do something to makeyourself feel better. Then, when you feel better, come out and we can work on asolution."

Teach children how to regain self-control. Suggest things thechild can do to calm down while in timeout. Older children can help decidewhere to go and what they can do to help themselves calm down.

Allow the child to play. Many parents are upset when they find theirchild playing during timeout, but it's actually a good sign that the child hasregained self-control. If they are ready to play, children might also be readyto do some problem solving.

Select a location for the time-out. Some children calm down fasterwhen they are alone and in a quiet place. Other children have too much energyto be forced to sit still. Some children become more out-of-control and hurtfulwhen they are forced to spend timeouts alone. These children can cool off inthe same room as other people, as long as they aren't disruptive.

Some parents hesitate to use a child's room for fear the child will view thebedroom as a prison. If the timeout is initiated kindly and the goal is to givethe child and you some quiet space, children won't see it as punishment. If youfeel the child will be destructive, plan ahead and remove or put objects youdon't want destroyed out of reach.

If you force a child to stay in a chair or room, it shifts the focusfrom what they did and their responsibility for calming down to who is inpower. This turns the timeout into a punishment, which removes itseffectiveness.

Present time-outs as a choice. A child can choose to settle down ortake some time out. Suggest the timeout in a kind and firm manner, followed bythe encouraging instructions to come back when the child is ready.

Avoid timers. Use the child's ability to regain self-control orwillingness to act appropriately to decide how long a timeout should last.Timers often turn timeouts into power struggles. If children have calmed downand are ready to return but parents won't let them "come out," itoften escalates the situation. If children return before they have calmed down,firmly but kindly return them to the timeout and reemphasize the purpose is tocool off. Describe the behavior you want to see that shows they are calm.

When a timeout is over: If the child lost control due to anger, letit go and don't call attention to the behavior you want to stop. If the problemis serious or recurring, wait until both of you have calmed down and then useproblem solving to generate ideas for handling the situation differently in thefuture.

Thinkabout your long-term goal. If you want children to learn that it is theirresponsibility to control their behavior, use timeouts as cooling off periodswhich teach children how to achieve this self-control.