Many attorneys believe that most problems related to dividing an estate could be handled outside of the courtroom. Those who counsel individuals about family feuds and personal conflicts that arise during estate settlements usually agree that most could be solved without attorneys if people would just listen to one another, communicate, and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." However, that's easier said than done.

The Settlement Game: How to Settle an Estate Peacefully and Fairly, identifies three main sources of conflict and offers strategies for what to do about them to avoid a family feud.

1. Many of the problems that arise at the time of a division or settlement of an estate are caused by interference from spouses or children of the heirs, not the immediate heirs themselves. In any discussion with people who have been through family conflict during the division process, a story related to this type of interference usually comes up. This is often because someone, not an immediate heir, wants something. Usually there is no intent to harm relationships, yet a seemingly innocent request from someone closely related to one of the heirs may cause pressure that eventually erupts into conflict.

Rule # 1 - Only immediate heirs should be involved in the division process during the settlement of the estate. All others (spouses, children, grandchildren, in-laws and friends) should NOT participate, especially at the start of this process.

2. A second major cause of conflict comes from the early removal of items from a home (or estate) without the overall consent and approval of all other heirs. Sometimes one heir will simply go in ahead of time and take what he or she wants ' perhaps spitefully ' or perhaps intending to remove the item before anyone notices it is gone. However, usually this early removal is done innocently, by someone who thinks it is acceptable or has what he or she thinks is a good reason.

Rule # 2 Don't remove anything from the home or property before the official division process. Common sense may require that valuables be removed for safe-keeping; just make sure that all heirs are aware and agree.

3. Most experts agree that personality differences are the main cause of conflict during the division process of an estate settlement. Without understanding these differences, keeping the peace and avoiding conflict will be much more difficult to accomplish.

Rule # 3 Try to gain an understanding of personality types of the other heirs involved. It is important to understand the basic traits of each person involved, and the best way in which to communicate with that personality style. By doing this, many conflicts that would otherwise develop from misunderstandings among heirs can be avoided.