If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a petulant planet. It just seems like Mother Nature has been acting up lately, and I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve her fury. I recycle. I drive a low-emissions sedan. And I stopped burying my old motor oil in the backyard. In short, I’m doing my part. Why is it then that the Jolly Green Giant’s mom wants to dump all over me and mine with storms on a scale not seen since the Old Testament? Not but three weeks ago, a twister came whipping through our neck of the woods with more ferocity than a starved tiger in a nursery. By the time it blew away, fifteen of my neighbors were on their way to Oz. Of course, a lot of their foundations had been compromised by the flood that sloshed through town a month before that.

As I see things, Earth has a big bug up her keister. Some people think it’s due to all the pollutants we’re dumping into the atmosphere and ocean. But I have a feeling that it’s got to be something bigger than a couple cans of Aquanet and some Chaulpa wrappers bobbing around in the Pacific. In my heart of hearts, I believe that Mother Nature is annoyed that we’re pretending to be as powerful as she is. All that genetic engineering, scalping of mountain tops, and dam building is seriously cramping her style. The Greeks called it hubris, and the gods would exact harsh retribution in return. But in my mind, it’s not hubris at all—it’s progress. All we’re doing is outsourcing Nature so that it can work more efficiently for our ends. Besides, we can do it better, and it creates plenty of jobs for decent folk all over.

The only trouble with our development is that Nature is pushing back to try and recapture her old role as cock of the walk. But I refuse to be muscled around by some mythical, fig-leaf-wearing being. It’s just not in my red, white and blue blood to bow down to anything. I won’t back off, but I will take precautions to keep what’s mine safe from the backlash. For example, I picked up a couple of all-weather car covers for my Chevy and my wife’s Honda. Hers is a Covercraft, but I went with a Coverking because, well, I’m the king of my castle. Both of them are great for fending off anything that the heavens can throw my way.

You hear that, Demeter! You can’t push this man around with a little water, lightning and earthquakes. I’ve got my car covers, and I’m not afraid of you.