Now, me and my crew, we're into music. When the boys come over for vodka and cranberry, we chill in my garage and crank stuff like the Smiths, Depeche Mode, Haircut 100 and Erasure. And, guess what? The only neighbors that have a problem with us are the sportos next door. As soon as those big, dumb jocks hear the synthesizer, they start puffing up their chests like roosters in a cock fight.

The few run-ins we've had with the jocks have ended peacefully, that is until the other day. Mr. Knuckle Dragger and his crew decided to play some blacktop football in the cul-de-sac. Freakin? Johnny U let go of a Hail-Mary that his butter-fingered buddy missed. The pigskin promptly bounced into my garage, smashed my CD player and knocked over the CD rack. When I saw that my rare copy of the Boomtown Rats was scratched, home boy had a war on his hands.

My friends and I plotted our revenge later that night. Unable to come up with a fresh idea, we decided to plow his new landscape with my Hummer H2. The boys and I loaded up, backed out of the garage and gassed it right through his azaleas. Next up were the agapanthus and Japanese elm?whamo! Before leaving, I pulled a couple sod-slinging donuts just to add my signature; that's when the H2 clipped the resident garden gnome and we lost a headlight.

We quickly got the Hummer back in the garage to assess the damage. Other than some branches in the undercarriage, red paint on the bumper from Mr. Gnome and the busted headlight the tough H2 fared well. But I knew I was in for a hefty bill to replace that headlight. I was really concerned because my SSI check was still two weeks off and I didn't want to get a fix-it ticket.

My friends turned me onto this really cool online auto accessory shop that offered aftermarket headlights for the Hummer. Not only were they way cheaper than the ones GM sold, they came in all kinds of modern styles. This way, I replaced the light and added a custom touch to my ride. I went for the set of diamond-cut crystal lenses with skulls in the reflectors. That's right?skulls! Now the H in my H2 stands for haunted. And, when jockey boy and his bros are out playing whiffle ball, I give ?em quick flash of the skull beams so they know to watch their backs?and their front yard!