A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. - Mitch Ratcliffe

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. - Erma Bombeck

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? - Homer J. Simpson

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. - Ronald Reagan

I've been married five times, and people think that's some bizarre thing, yet I've got buddies who refuse to get married and are intimate with 15 people a week. I'm like, Which is better? At least I was trying. - Billy Bob Thornton

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. - Dan Rather

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them. - Terry Pratchett

Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. - Anonymous