How does this dress look on me? Should I get the ivory or the white wedding dress? Or – worst of all – does this dress make me look fat? Every man worth his salt already knows the answer to that question and can whip it out without a moment’s thought. But when I was told (read: forced) to help find a modest wedding dress, I was a little confused and completely lost.

Not knowing where to begin, and refusing to actually go into a wedding boutique, my search for a modest wedding dress naturally began on the Internet. Unfortunately, I only have Internet access at work, and few things are as embarrassing and awkward as getting caught shopping for a wedding dress online. (What? No, sir. No, I was not looking at wedding dresses just now. I was looking at…um… err… trucks. Big trucks. Monster trucks. And hammers. Lots of hammers.)

Picking out a modest wedding dress is something that a guy should never be expected to do. At least, he shouldn’t be expected to do it well. We all know he’s never going to get it right. There are just too many variables, options, and other things we just don’t understand. Still… I gave it a try.

Even when you limit your search to modest wedding dresses, there’s still a huge variety to deal with. First, pick a sleeve. There are short sleeve wedding dresses, long sleeve wedding dresses, and if that’s not good enough you can split the difference and go for a ¾ sleeve. There’s even something called Tulle. (Toolie? What the heck is a toolie?)

And don’t forget the color. If, like me, you thought all wedding dresses were white, then like me, you would be wrong. There’s white, there’s ivory, there’s silver on white, silver on champagne, silver on ivory, and even white on white. (Isn’t that just more white?) Granted, all the silver on white was usually on a reception dress… wait. Reception dress? There’s more than one type of modest wedding dress?

Oh, and lest we forget all the accessories. Because lets face it, even the most classy, expensive, hand stitched modest wedding dress still needs a couple sparklies just to finish out the look. Even I know that. Well… I know that now. Up until now I just assumed that there was only one piece of very important jewelry that made a difference on a wedding day. Apparently you have to worry about necklaces, bracelets, and tiaras, too.

As it turns out there is more to a veil than a piece of cloth tied delicately around the bride’s head. Obviously it has to match your modest wedding dress, but once you start talking about two tier fingertip, or single tier elbow… now I begin to get scared. But after a little research and contemplation, I can now discuss embroidery, lace, and beading with the best of ‘em.

And that means that I’ve gotten in touch with my fashionable, feminine side enough for one day. In fact, I spent so long secretly looking at someone in a modest wedding dress, bridesmaid dress, or other formal number, that I had to go home and immediately spit, hammer up some drywall (with my brand new hammer), a punch a pedestrian in the throat. He seemed a little upset, even after I explained to him all about finding the perfect modest wedding dress.