Many years ago in a strange land far from here, there lived a curtain pole. Actually there were lots and lots of curtain poles living there. They were all very different but they lived together in perfect harmony.

In a fast moving world of neon signs, hustle and bustle, push and shove and a first past the finial attitude, the curtain poles were being left behind. Whether it was jealousy or just indifference, people mocked and teased the curtain poles way of life.

Despite the harmony, hope had been lost by many in curtain pole village. The future looked grim and some had totally gone off the rails!

Now during this time, Queen Nikola reigned over all curtain poles. She had become angry as the world forced them into the shadows, into hiding and out of sight, forgotten. She decided the time was right to revolt, to lead the curtain poles in revolution and attempt to restore some pride and prestige. She also knew that preparation was the key so she set about planning the invasion in great detail. When the battle plan was complete and they were ready, she would march them against the world.

Whilst they were undergoing their rigorous training the curtain pole army began making weapons. They used anything they could get their hands on. They used wood (grafting weapons out of walnut, oak and pine) and all kinds of different metal (chrome, brass, silver) and painted them in lots of different colours.

There was a new determination in curtain pole village; the atmosphere was poles apart from what it had been just a few years earlier. The soldiers stood tall and brave and waited for battle. All had their own insignia engraved onto their shields and helmets. They would enter battle in grand and exquisite style; all other home improvement accessories would be in awe of their couture look. The constellations looked down upon then, Orion smiled proudly at the army's grandeur.

Knowing she would begin and lead the invasion herself, Queen Nikola summoned the huge army into her presence. Businesses and homes the world over would be invaded and taken over. From Havana to Hampshire, Belgravia to Basingstoke and from Los Angeles to Lincoln, every street, every avenue would see the march of the curtain poles.

Queen Nikola exclaimed at the top of her voice, Holdback! Holdback! Holdback! After all the planning and plotting she was determined to get the timing correct. It would be an awesome attack, from air, land and sea. Some of the stealth soldiers would even sneak into the monorail movement.

Attack, Attack! This was it! The curtain poles and tracks moved with such skill and determination that the world was powerless to respond. Casualties were few because the curtain poles were merciful but victory was comprehensive and complete. They had succeeded in infiltrating every home and every life. Every window and every door bore the mark.

The famous battle of curtain pole hill happened long before my time but my great grandparents shared many, many stories about it and there have been some fascinating documentaries and movies made about it. I remember Sally Florentine and Edward Rockingham winning Oscars for their roles in The Charge of the Telescopic Curtain Pole. Although my favourite of course is Saving Private Finial, what a performance that was from Dominic Galleria!