Self-confidence is a frame of mind, which allows individuals to have clear, yet realistic views of themselves and their predicament. Self-confident people have confidence in their own talent, have a general sense of control over their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.

Confidence is a feeling that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.

For example: A young man wants to learn how to be a prizefighter, so he gets a trainer and a manager. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has developed proficient skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a competitor that he knows his fighter can overpower. When his fighter beats the rival, he is successful, and starts to gain confidence in his abilities.

With each match, the manager puts his warrior up against a competitor who is a slightly better rival then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young fighter begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to accrue. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the fighter continues to win, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to accrue.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having true self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be able to do everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are practical. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People who are not self-confident, tend to rely unreasonably on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

On the other side of the coin, secure people will risk the disapproval of other people because they generally have faith in their own aptness. They tend to accept. A lack of self-confidence is often the result of concentrating completely on the unrealistic expectancy of others, especially those of friends and parents. The influence of peers can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Beliefs That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop beliefs; some of these are good and some are not. Several assumptions that can interfere with confidence and alternate ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: I always have to be successful at everything. This assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. In real life, each person has their strengths, and their weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that you can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no one knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is a totally unrealistic assumption. All human beings are imperfect. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially influenced by external influences when you were a young child, as you gain maturity, you can gain appreciation and outlook on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of past events.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Grant yourself credit for everything you can do. And grant yourself recognition for every new experience that you are willing to undertake.

Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what does not work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as a method to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that no one can do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself while still working towards improvement.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many self-hypnosis and NLP procedures that will instill a monumental amount of self-confidence from within your unconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to adjudge yourself independently. Bypass the habitual sense of chaos that comes from relying on the opinions of others.