There are 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication: Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility. In a previous article I gave examples of how these create Communication Frustration for everyone involved. In this article you'll see other shapes those habits can take with those you love and work with.

1. Analyzing: This is when we make interpretations that are not based on objective facts but our opinion of what is taking place. This used to play out with Kay and me like so. If Kay was wanting more affection than I was giving her she was "needy and dependent". But if I wanted more affection than Kay was giving she was "selfish and insensitive". Once we begin to learn compassionate communication it was much easier to realize that Kay nor I were "wrong". These analyses were actually expressions of our own needs and values.

2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.

3. Manipulating: Making children, spouses, friends, and co-workers unwillingly do what we want is manipulating. It seldom produces the results we're after because fear, threats, guilt-trips, and comparisons are the tools we use to force their behavior. Some ways Kay and I experienced this: When Kay wanted word done around the house, she would ask why couldn't I have the handy man prowess of her best friend's husband. It never made me do the yard work or projects around the house the when or the way she wanted. Me explaining to my youngest son Mitchell, who's dyslexic, that JD, his gifted brothers, taught himself to read never motivated Mitchell to read faster. Even if you think you have good intentions (like we we did) for manipulating others the only thing that's sure to happen is wounding you relationships and others deeply.

4. Philosophy and Politics: Your view of the world around is your philosophy. How you live it is your Politics. Kay and I learned our Philosophy and Politics were creating unintentional conflicts and costing us missed friendships and opportunities to be curious about new ideas. When most people are in conflicts over Philosophy or Politics it's because they are often attempting to compare the importance of their moral judgments by calling them facts.

5. Blaming Actions on Others: When we blame other's actions as the cause of our behavior we are shifting personal responsibility. What Kay and I discovered: Me yelling at the boys because they were silly at the table makes them responsible for my yelling. Me going golfing with my neighbor when I promised to shoot baskets with the kids makes my neighbor personally responsible for my commitments. Maybe you've encountered these as well: "He was jerk so I charged him more", "My job makes me miserable, but I stay because my family depends on me.", "I can't leave early because my boss will kill me". "I made her cry because she pushes my buttons". When we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel we are dangerous.

6. Blaming Policies and Rules: Placing blame on policies, rules, and management denies our personal responsibility. You're likely to experience this with statements like. "Those are the rules, there's nothing we can do", "Sorry, no exceptions", "All companies do business that way", "My boss said it wouldn't matter", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "We've always done it that way". Blaming policies, rules, and management attempts to justify our behavior and decisions.

There's a lot to consider here. While you consider what you've read have compassion with yourself and what you find. You're not broken, in need of fixing, and there isn't anything wrong with you. Place attention on where these habits are showing up and creating unintentional conflict for yourself and others. Just patiently observe how you interact with people. You can also share this article with your spouse or friends and ask which ones they think show up most.