Before I go into the details of my intense floor mat comparison, let me just lay out my background so you know how qualified I am to perform this objective test. Sagittarius was in ascension the night I was born, so it was preordained by the heavenlies that I take up a profession that could benefit all mankind. I choose to work for Consumer Reports. My area of expertise was testing infant’s fireproof pajamas. Unfortunately, the fuddy-duddies at corporate couldn’t stomach my cutting-edge ideas. How can you truly know whether an Oshkosh onesy is actually safe unless you try it torching it on a flesh-and-bone baby?

One lawsuit and a court-ordered stint in a “Wellness" center later, and now I’m freelancing. Though my funds are a little tight these days, I have been able to fund and complete 2 in-depth examinations. First, I wanted to verify that jawbreakers could indeed break a jaw. This proved to be pretty inexpensive because all I needed was a supply of jawbreakers of various sizes, one stout sock, and gas money to get to the city park. The lurking in the bushes and pummeling people was completely free, and I proved that you can certainly chip a lot of teeth, but that jawbreakers lack the density to crack a human mandible.

My second research project was floor mats. After a couple of trips to the recycling center, I had enough cash to get some Weathertech floor mats and Husky floor mats for my van. Why these two brands? Well, when I was doing my preliminary online investigations down at the library, I found that they had a lot of positive customer reviews touting how well they stood up to punishing treatment. But the one thing that both floor mats lacked was a rigorous test.

My experiment took place on an overcast Wednesday afternoon behind my local Wienershnitzel. The temperature, humidity and barometric pressure were exactly 20 degrees centigrade, 68% and 29.98in, respectively. The Weathertech floor mat was installed on the driver’s side, and the Husky floor mat went onto the passenger’s side. The first run was fairly mild; I extinguished a half-smoked Kool into the flat area around the grooves. Though there was some scorching, both were strong enough to withstand a complete burn through. Next, I mashed 8 ounces of my home-made 5-alarm chili into each, but their high-walled edges contained all but a few stray kidney beans and onions. For the final test, I poured approximately 750 milliliters of soupy human excrement onto each. Neither of the floor mats melted under the putrid brew, but neither could completely contain its flow.

My final analysis: Both floor mats are tough, but not tough enough to stop a river of offal.