Truckin? is my life these days. Unfortunately, I couldn't pass my commercial driver's license exams, so I'm stuck inside my dually Sierra instead of a proper Kenworth. I don't much mind, though. I'm just happy to be away from my family for long stretches of time. Dianna used to be a right fine woman, and we had a lot of fun going out line dancing, playing putt-putt golf, or just throwing back a 6-pack and making out in my pickup. Everything changed when she had the boys: twin monsters with a taste for chocolate syrup and breaking my stuff. During those first 5 years, Dianna and I steadily drifted apart. The boys were very demanding of her time and attention, and I didn't really want to share her with a couple of snot-nosed buttinskies. A chill settled over our marriage, and I took to sleeping on the couch because the boys hogged the bed.

That was about the time when I decided to quit my gig with Amway and look for gainful employment that would get me out of the house. For a while, I tried my hand as a short order cook at the Red Lobster. But they caught me making off with about 4 lbs of frozen shrimp one night so cut me loose. After that, I pulled a stint as a greeter over at the Wal-Mart 2 towns over. That didn't go so well either. I tried to offer a little girl a smiley face sticker, but she gave me a swift kick in the shin. I couldn't not slap her! Without discipline, children will run wild and destroy our society. Too bad her father and the Wal-Mart lawyers couldn't understand that because I was out on my ear in minutes.

Dianna's nagging grew into out and out ridicule after that last lost job, and I knew that I couldn't stick around for long. That's when a buddy of mine planted a bug in my ear about becoming a trucker. To be honest, it's always been a dream of mine ever since I first saw Smokey and the Bandit. I took some classes, tried getting my license, but my cornering chops just weren't up to the State's standards. Rather than just give up, I bought myself a dually Sierra with a long bed and plush captain's chairs. Now, I work as an independent contractor hauling spent needles from the town's methadone clinic up to a waste site in the Beer City. It's a pretty good gig, but the rising cost of diesel is starting to cut into my bottom line. I did some sleuthing online and found a ton of accessories promising fuel savings for big rigs. I figured it was worth a shot, so I ordered up a truck bed cover and a performance air filter. Both have done wonders for my fuel consumption, which allows me to stay away from home even more.