Sitting in the car, I hear voices. Loud ones, soft ones, and sometimes raspy ones. I cannot tell what they're saying though; the voices swirl around me, taunting me to make sense of them. I begin to feel angry at the voices, why should I have to listen to noises I can't understand? I turn the volume up.

“I Am America, and So Can You, by Stephen Colbert.” Stephen says. “Much better,” I mutter aloud, relieved that I am not insane. Stephen's voice swishes past me, contrasting nicely with the shrill honking and staccato rain drops that come from outside my window. It is as if with each word, a barrier is being built between the rush hour traffic on the outside, and the patriotic rhetoric coming from my speakers.

It is so easy to visualize the subject matter of what you are listening to when on the freeway. When Stephen tells me in his audio book that it's stupid to see Yogurt from France imported to the US, it isn't hard to imagine as I watch a truck from western family carelessly rear-end a car right next to me. It's instantly clear that baby carrots are, indeed, trying to turn me gay when Stephen says so. Audio books are just that powerful.

Some scientists say that people learn in different ways; visual, audio, spatial, etc. Well I say it's all rubbish. There is only one way to learn, and it's through audio books. Memorizing important passages is easy when the voice of Stephen says it in person. The inflection in his voice really makes me appreciate how much he really hates the people who are destroying America. Sometimes that's hard to imagine when you're reading an actual book. An exclamation point doesn't mean much until you hear Stephen yell at the Colbert Nation, demanding that we all boycott the facts, and listen to Mr. Colbert's opinion.

If Stephen's passionate yelling cannot get you to be afraid of Korean's the first time, repetition always helps. If you think an audio book is great the first time, just imagine how awesome it will be to listen late at night when you're drunk! Baby carrots will never be the same after you listen to Stephen in a state of semi-consciousness.

If you're still not convinced, try it out. Many websites and libraries carry free books or free trials that allow the staunchest critics of audio books to at least try them out for free. There really is no excuse for not at least taking an audio book for a test drive. Whether you need some insight at rush hour, or some entertainment at home, audio books can be there. What have you got to lose?

Let me rephrase that in a way Stephen would be proud: Buy an audio book, and you are a true American hero. Don't buy an audio book and you are destined to become a welfare queen with sons meant for Obama's WPA work. It's your choice.