In all areas of life, you tend to attract not what you want, but what you feel you deserve. On the surface, you may feel worthy of a fulfilling relationship, but at an unconscious level you may believe the opposite. When you get what you think you deserve, you feel fine. But when you get more than what you subconsciously feel you deserve, you may feel anxious and stressed out.
If you stay in a relationship that you are not happy with, it's usually because you don't want to face another failure in your life. You also don't want all the time and effort you put into building the relationship to go to waste. You continue to try to make the relationship work, and the cycle continues. The more effort you put into the relationship, the harder it is to abandon your efforts. As this cycle continues, many tend to grow more dependent, and find their very identity intertwined with this person. The end of the relationship is seen as the loss of a part of yourself.
Unhealthy relationships tend to follow the same formula: Low self esteem clouds your judgement in choosing a partner, and then refusal to admit a mistake causes you to stay in the relationship. You are then forced to rationalize why you stay, and the only explanation you can come up with is that "this is all I deserve." Your self concept continues to diminish until you feel the only thing you have is your lousy relationship, and you'll be darned if you lose that, too.
How can you stop this unhealthy cycle? Try one or more of the following methods:
Method 1: State and visualize your desires. Ask yourself "What would I do if I could truly have things the way I want?" Whom would you date? Where would you live and work? What kind of person would you be? Try creating a chart, poster, or other visual representations of your desires and put it where you can see it every day. Find pictures from magazines and catalogues of people you find attractive. Add words to represent qualities you desire in a mate, such as "loving", "honest", and "funny". This method may sound a little silly, but you will gain confidence by stating and visualizing your desires, making it more likely that you will attract people with these qualities.
Method 2: Love yourself, and people will respond in kind. This is probably the best advice you will get from anyone. The better you feel about yourself, the more people you will attract. If you want to attract friendly, outgoing and likeable people, become one yourself. Stand up straighter, look people directly in the eye, and smile. You can also distinguish yourself by demonstrating the most important conversational skill of all: being a good listener!
